Tag Archives: The Interrogative Year

Will you spend more money for better terry cloth?

I don’t need terry cloth. But if I did, I’d spend the money to get the best damn terry cloth available.

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Under what circumstance, or set of circumstances, might you noodle for a catfish?

I’m afraid to answer this question.

I could come up with something pithy and hopefully witty. Or at least, I could try. But I worry that “noodle for a catfish” is a euphemism for something dirty unknown to me.

Confession: I’m going to Google it. While I do, you can enjoy this amusing image of a cat. On the internet. With a caption.

I’m back. Good news: It apparently doesn’t mean anything dirty.

However, Urban Dictionary  tells me that “to noodle” means “to mull over, think about, contemplate, ponder, puzzle over or brain-storm”

Which makes this question weird.

I might think about a catfish now and then. They are worth some contemplation. Weird looking little buggers, aren’t they? So they are worth mulling over. Mostly I think about how gross it would be to have my hand caught in their mouth. EW. And the whiskery-bits give me THE FEAR.

But a circumstance where I would have to think FOR a catfish? As in: On behalf of said catfish? Well, I can only think of one. I bet this guy was hoping someone would think of a way to get this freaking basketball out of his mouth. So if I came across a catfish with a basketball in his mouth, I would definitely noodle a solution for that poor thing.

Are you familiar with the religious positions taken regarding the various hooves of animals?

What? NO.

Should I be?

Pardon me a moment whilst I Google something…

All I’m finding is the bit about the cloven hoof and the devil, which I did know. Screw you, Wikipedia.

After being let down by Wikipedia, I headed over to BibleGateway.com for searches on ‘hoof ‘and ‘hooves‘. It’s mostly about eating pigs and getting dirty (that’s what I’m taking away from it), but I do like this bad-ass verse:

Micah 4:13
“Rise and thresh, Daughter Zion, for I will give you horns
of iron; I will give you hooves of bronze, and you will
break to pieces many nations.” You will devote their
ill-gotten gains to the LORD, their wealth to the Lord 
of all the earth.

I dunno about giving all their stuff to God once Zion has gone and kicked their ass… but the rest of it sounds pretty awesome.

How do we know that Satan has hooves anyway? In fact, how do we know what he looks like at all? More Bible study for me…

From 1 Chronicles 21:1, Satan rises up and makes David take a census. So maybe he looks like an accountant or some kind of bureaucrat. Do accountants have hooves?

In Job 1:6, Satan went with the angels one day to say howdy to God. If no one noticed him, he must look like an angel. Again: Hooves?

::Side Note::

I gave myself the giggles with that last bit. I just imagine a bunch of angels (technically a ‘legion of angels’, innit?) hanging around God’s throne, going ‘What up?’ and Satan kind of hanging around the back, not wanting God to get too good a look at him. *Snicker*

::End Side Note::

Also from Job (Satan is big in the book of Job), Satan tells God that he’s been cruising all over the earth, ‘going back and forth on it’. I’m going to infer ‘in a boat’. So perhaps he looks like a pirate. With hooves.

More Job-y goodness: God tells Satan, ‘Very well, then, he is in your hands…’ so I think Satan must have HUGE hands. Dunno about his freaking feet though.

In Matthew 16:23 Jesus says, ‘Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block….’ Clearly Satan must be square. A smaller-than-Jesus-sized square. With hooves.

There are, of course, more references to Satan in the Bible (more so than there are about the devil, go figure). But I’m going to stop this silliness with this:

He replied, ‘I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven.’ (Luke 10:18)

I’m NOT seeing anything in the Bible about the Devil’s feet. WTF, Bible?

So if Satan’s cloven hooves aren’t mentioned in the Bible, where did we get this crazy idea that Satan has hooves and horns when none of the other angels (fallen or not) have them as well? Oh wait…

Oh ho! I see what you did there, Christianity! I guess if you can’t beat ’em, demonise their gods until they join you. Or something. Poor Pan.

Does a man wearing hair tonic and chewing gum suggest criminality, or are you drawn to his happy-go-lucky charm?

‘Well, it didn’t look like a two-horse town, but try finding a decent hair jelly.’

Hair tonic? HAIR TONIC? Who on the planet still calls it freaking “hair tonic”?

::SIDE NOTE::

“Hair jelly” is WAY worse. Sick.

::END SIDE NOTE::

I actually looked up hair tonic so I knew what I was talking about. I figured it had to be different than any of the shizzle I use in my hair. It sounds awfully greasy.

Gah! Now all I can picture is this…

And that’s what is influencing my answer. The T-Birds from Grease. Fact. And even though they weren’t the nicest boys in most regards, it’s pretty harsh to call them ‘criminals’. They were pretty likable.

So I’m going to have to say I’d be drawn to his happy-go-lucky charm. And then I’d ask him to wash the freaking grease out of his hair.

How many push-ups can you do?

I sincerely thought about giving it a go and accurately reporting how many push-ups I can do. But you know what? It’s been a long week. So fuck accuracy in my personal time.

I can’t do very many. I bet I could do between 5 – 10 “real” push-ups and double that many of “girly” ones. Which is pretty weaksauce. I should probably start using that 100 Push-ups app I got ages ago.

Yup. I should get right on that.

Could Mendeleyev place you correctly in a square on a chart of periodic identities, or would you resonate all over the board?

How long has it been since I’ve even looked at the Period Table? A long time. There are elements on it now that weren’t hanging out there when I was a kid, I swear. Back in the good old days when Pluto was still a planet and learning the geography of Eastern Europe meant remembering just one country.

Man, I’m getting old.

Anyway. I suppose I would resonate all over the board, consisting as I do of O, C, H, N, Ca, P, K, S, Mg, Cu, Zn, Se, Mo, F, Cl, I, Mn, Co, Fe, Li, Sr, Al, Si, Pb, V, As and Br.

Is there sand in your craw?

I don’t THINK so…