Tag Archives: The Interrogative Year

Will you spend more money for better terry cloth?

I don’t need terry cloth. But if I did, I’d spend the money to get the best damn terry cloth available.

Under what circumstance, or set of circumstances, might you noodle for a catfish?

I’m afraid to answer this question.

I could come up with something pithy and hopefully witty. Or at least, I could try. But I worry that “noodle for a catfish” is a euphemism for something dirty unknown to me.

Confession: I’m going to Google it. While I do, you can enjoy this amusing image of a cat. On the internet. With a caption.

I’m back. Good news: It apparently doesn’t mean anything dirty.

However, Urban Dictionary  tells me that “to noodle” means “to mull over, think about, contemplate, ponder, puzzle over or brain-storm”

Which makes this question weird.

I might think about a catfish now and then. They are worth some contemplation. Weird looking little buggers, aren’t they? So they are worth mulling over. Mostly I think about how gross it would be to have my hand caught in their mouth. EW. And the whiskery-bits give me THE FEAR.

But a circumstance where I would have to think FOR a catfish? As in: On behalf of said catfish? Well, I can only think of one. I bet this guy was hoping someone would think of a way to get this freaking basketball out of his mouth. So if I came across a catfish with a basketball in his mouth, I would definitely noodle a solution for that poor thing.

Are you familiar with the religious positions taken regarding the various hooves of animals?

What? NO.

Should I be?

Pardon me a moment whilst I Google something…

All I’m finding is the bit about the cloven hoof and the devil, which I did know. Screw you, Wikipedia.

After being let down by Wikipedia, I headed over to BibleGateway.com for searches on ‘hoof ‘and ‘hooves‘. It’s mostly about eating pigs and getting dirty (that’s what I’m taking away from it), but I do like this bad-ass verse:

Micah 4:13
“Rise and thresh, Daughter Zion, for I will give you horns
of iron; I will give you hooves of bronze, and you will
break to pieces many nations.” You will devote their
ill-gotten gains to the LORD, their wealth to the Lord 
of all the earth.

I dunno about giving all their stuff to God once Zion has gone and kicked their ass… but the rest of it sounds pretty awesome.

How do we know that Satan has hooves anyway? In fact, how do we know what he looks like at all? More Bible study for me…

From 1 Chronicles 21:1, Satan rises up and makes David take a census. So maybe he looks like an accountant or some kind of bureaucrat. Do accountants have hooves?

In Job 1:6, Satan went with the angels one day to say howdy to God. If no one noticed him, he must look like an angel. Again: Hooves?

::Side Note::

I gave myself the giggles with that last bit. I just imagine a bunch of angels (technically a ‘legion of angels’, innit?) hanging around God’s throne, going ‘What up?’ and Satan kind of hanging around the back, not wanting God to get too good a look at him. *Snicker*

::End Side Note::

Also from Job (Satan is big in the book of Job), Satan tells God that he’s been cruising all over the earth, ‘going back and forth on it’. I’m going to infer ‘in a boat’. So perhaps he looks like a pirate. With hooves.

More Job-y goodness: God tells Satan, ‘Very well, then, he is in your hands…’ so I think Satan must have HUGE hands. Dunno about his freaking feet though.

In Matthew 16:23 Jesus says, ‘Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block….’ Clearly Satan must be square. A smaller-than-Jesus-sized square. With hooves.

There are, of course, more references to Satan in the Bible (more so than there are about the devil, go figure). But I’m going to stop this silliness with this:

He replied, ‘I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven.’ (Luke 10:18)

I’m NOT seeing anything in the Bible about the Devil’s feet. WTF, Bible?

So if Satan’s cloven hooves aren’t mentioned in the Bible, where did we get this crazy idea that Satan has hooves and horns when none of the other angels (fallen or not) have them as well? Oh wait…

Oh ho! I see what you did there, Christianity! I guess if you can’t beat ’em, demonise their gods until they join you. Or something. Poor Pan.

Does a man wearing hair tonic and chewing gum suggest criminality, or are you drawn to his happy-go-lucky charm?

‘Well, it didn’t look like a two-horse town, but try finding a decent hair jelly.’

Hair tonic? HAIR TONIC? Who on the planet still calls it freaking “hair tonic”?

::SIDE NOTE::

“Hair jelly” is WAY worse. Sick.

::END SIDE NOTE::

I actually looked up hair tonic so I knew what I was talking about. I figured it had to be different than any of the shizzle I use in my hair. It sounds awfully greasy.

Gah! Now all I can picture is this…

And that’s what is influencing my answer. The T-Birds from Grease. Fact. And even though they weren’t the nicest boys in most regards, it’s pretty harsh to call them ‘criminals’. They were pretty likable.

So I’m going to have to say I’d be drawn to his happy-go-lucky charm. And then I’d ask him to wash the freaking grease out of his hair.

How many push-ups can you do?

I sincerely thought about giving it a go and accurately reporting how many push-ups I can do. But you know what? It’s been a long week. So fuck accuracy in my personal time.

I can’t do very many. I bet I could do between 5 – 10 “real” push-ups and double that many of “girly” ones. Which is pretty weaksauce. I should probably start using that 100 Push-ups app I got ages ago.

Yup. I should get right on that.

Could Mendeleyev place you correctly in a square on a chart of periodic identities, or would you resonate all over the board?

How long has it been since I’ve even looked at the Period Table? A long time. There are elements on it now that weren’t hanging out there when I was a kid, I swear. Back in the good old days when Pluto was still a planet and learning the geography of Eastern Europe meant remembering just one country.

Man, I’m getting old.

Anyway. I suppose I would resonate all over the board, consisting as I do of O, C, H, N, Ca, P, K, S, Mg, Cu, Zn, Se, Mo, F, Cl, I, Mn, Co, Fe, Li, Sr, Al, Si, Pb, V, As and Br.

Is there sand in your craw?

I don’t THINK so…

Does your doorbell ever ring?

Rarely. And when it does, it isn’t for us.

We live in a block of flats and when meter guys or delivery peeps want access to another flat, they always seem to ring our flat first. Douchebags.

And here is the worst part: Our door phone thingie doesn’t work. So when they ring, I have to go to the front door. Which I do, because what if… WHAT IF… it is actually for me? Like, a surprise delivery or something. I don’t want to send something like that away. But every time I have to put on fucking pants and answer the door and it isn’t for me early on a Saturday morning, I feel compelled to work on completing my plans for utter global annihilation.

If you are relegated to last place in every category are you bothered enough to struggle out?

I don’t think you have to worry about being in last place. Chances are you aren’t going to make it to first place no matter how hard you struggle, my friend. And there is no point in struggling to be in second-to-last place. There is no glory there either. And people know how hard it is going from last to first. So if you are in last place, there is no disappointment or pressure from anyone if you give up the race. You weren’t even close to winning anyway.

It’s the middle that sucks. The average. The mediocre. If you know that you are good enough to give it a try (whatever “it” might be), but not good enough that you will ever be the best at it (or even very good)… what then? Do you keep at it or do you give up? And why does it feel so much worse to give up from the middle than it does from the bottom?

That’s my thing. I’m average. Somewhere right in the overlooked middle of the group. Looks? Average. Smarts? Average. SkillZ? Mad. Nah… just joking. Also average.

I’ve actually wished that I could have the part of my brain that is so fucking self-aware lobotimised. If only I wasn’t aware of my own mediocrity, I think I could be happy with not being better than I am. Instead I get to be tortured by my own brain that somehow, for some reason, I will never get to be good enough because I won’t ever be in that top percentile when it comes to anything. No matter how hard I struggle. So should I struggle? Or should I find peace in being lost in the crowd?

Did you love your mother and father…

>…and do Psalms do it for you?

I’m really uncertain how the two halves of this question go together. Really uncertain. This is probably in large part due to my largely secular upbringing and current theological stance. I know that there is a commandment about ‘loving thy mother and father’ somewhere in the Bible along with a bunch of other rules about humping your neighbour’s ass and how taking the Lord’s name in vain is a bajillion times worse than any of the cuss words I could invent. I even know there are plenty more commandments than the ten that Moses harped on about after talking to the burning bush of burning bushiness. But I have no idea where in the Bible they are. The commandments aren’t in Psalms, are they?

I KNOW that’s Charlton Heston… but doesn’t Moses look a little like Will Ferrell?

<FEELINGS>
I love my mother and father very much. And not just did (as the question puts it), but do. And although there were times in my young life when I was very, very angry with them both for reasons I don’t feel like blogging about… I am not any more. And I’m so grateful for that.

I’m grateful that I was able to not just repair my relationship with my moms, but to actually come to love her and appreciate her even more than I did when I was a kid and she was all-powerful and all-knowing (she would, of course, argue that she still is). She means the world to me, and sometimes it frightens me that we may have been lost to each other forever. That would have been a real tragedy. She’s my rock.

I’m grateful that I was on very good terms with my dad before he passed away… before the time came when I wouldn’t have the chance to forgive him, stop being so angry, and get to know him as an adult. He was never a perfect TV dad, but he was my dad, and the best that I could ask for.

Dr. Jason Roland Seaver = great TV dad. Fact.

</FEELINGS>

AH HA HA HA. Okay. I thought I knew at least some of the Psalms. And I do… the ‘Lord is my shepherd that makes the death valley grass green and stuff so I don’t have to be afraid’ bit. Which is Psalm 23, if you are curious. But the way I remember it? Mashed together with bits from Ezekiel 25 (I CLEARLY don’t go to church)….

PREACH IT, REVEREND JACKSON

Seriously though – love my moms and dad. Not so sure about Psalms. I’m sure they’re alright once you get to know them.
PS: The commandment about yer ma and pa is in Matthew 19:19, if you care.