Tag Archives: snarktastic

>For Amy (aka ‘Return of the Buddies’)

>I have a feeling I’m going to regret this later.

Writing this, I mean. This will come back to haunt me. I can feel it. Like that creepy ghost-seeing pre-adolescent wanker in Sixth Sense. This blog post will be my dead people.

But.

But I was challenged to write it. Bullied into it. Forced against my will. Etc.

Well, “challenged” (and by extention “bullied” and “forced”) may be a little strong. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that Amy “suggested” I should write about this because it would be funny. And you never know… she might have a point. It could turn out to be funny. If you aren’t me, I mean.

So.

Fine peoples who have been loyal readers (read: suckas!) of my blog will have to bare with me for a moment while I get the new kids up to speed. Because there are some truths you should know about me before we go ahead with my most recent story of debauchery…

1. Before I got to London I had never gone on a ‘date’ date. I’ve had boyfriends (at least two of them!) and the occasional short-term recreational partner (read: one night stands)… but I hadn’t been on a ‘date’ date. I had just hooked up with friends or random hot dudes on the dance floor.

2. I was 31 when I got to London which makes point 1 vaguely pathetic.

3. When I got to London, I knew only one person and he wasn’t even in the city when I arrived. To say the least, I didn’t have many friends. I wanted to meet more people (read: boys), so I signed up to match.com.

4. It was a fucking debacle. Please see my previous blog entry about Buddy1 (The Disaster) and Buddy2 (The Defect).

5. I gave up on online dating just a few dates after trying it out. See point 4 for more details.

And so there I was. Still roaringly single, but fed up with the online dating scene. Which is a shame, because there was no-one at work worth starting a relationship with (Caveat: assuming that “relationship” connotes something that doesn’t end the next day with me saying something along the lines of “You don’t need me to walk you to the door, do you? There’s a good lad.”) My friends have been UTTER CRAP (yah, I’m talking to you!) about having a peripheral herd of hot single guys that they can set me up with. CRAP.

Craptacular, actually.  So I gave up dating.

But then it was suggested that I try Guardian Soulmates. It was really sold to me. It sounded like I could fill out a form and find prince fucking charming with little more than a snap of my damned fingers.

The actual experience was somewhat less efficient and effective than advertised.

I ended up going out with a couple of guys from that site but didn’t bother to blog about it. I could have. And it would have been very amusing for y’all, I’m sure. BECAUSE MY PAIN MAKES YOU HAPPY. I have proof of this. Your reactions to my experiences in Hell (read: Aurghville) prove how happy my misery makes you. Jerks.

So why didn’t I write about those guys? Well, two of them “friended me” on the Book o’ Faceness, and I fear it is all too easy to find my blog from there (fuck you, Facebook, with your easy connections and shit) and I really have no desire to publicly humiliate them. For now.

So I’ll sum up my Guardian Experience in a short, concise list:

1. One was too distant and self-centred
2. One didn’t even get past the first date
3. One was too close and Jodi-centred

::SIDE NOTE::

Too distant officially wins over clingy. It isn’t that I like assholes, but I do like the use of my arms when I’m walking. Further, I don’t think hard-to-get is attractive. But seriously, STOP TOUCHING ME ALL THE FUCKING TIME. JUST STOP. Thank you.

::END RANTY SIDE NOTE::

And once I was through with those three boys I thought to myself, “Fuck online dating. I give up.” Again.

Seriously, fuck you, internet. You are great for books and shoes and stuff, but CRAP at meaningful relationships. Stop pretending you can help with this, you bastard.

But then a friend (who’s a good looking and awesome guy) said that he was using OKCupid. Which is free. So I thought… got nothing to lose, really. So I signed up. Because I’m dumb like that.

And it has been a hilarious experience for me. I may have individual stories later (like one poor bastard that I’m not going to meet… most unbelievably boring IM conversation in the history of the universe) but for now I’ll leave it like this:

I’ve managed to go on seven first dates in just under two weeks.

First, this is easy to do. I’m a girl and boys on the internet are easy to attract (I have all my limbs). I’ve been trying (and this is hard for me) to not be Judgy McJudgerson and so if they aren’t horrifyingly stupid and/or just plain terrifying when they write to me, I’ll agree to meet with them. Always in public, mommies, I promise. The Captain always plays safely with others.

So I’ve met a bunch of them. And so far… I haven’t had the desire to go on a second date with any of them. I do have a few more first dates lined up over the next week or so… and now I’m wondering how many I’m going to have to go on before I find someone worth seeing twice.

The problem is mostly that I’m picky. I come home and Tyran (my flatmate) says, “How was your date?”, to which I have actually answered things like:

1. He had silly facial hair.
2. He has small hands.
3. He smells like soap.
4. He was from the Midlands.

I’m turning into a girl Seinfeld (see Wikipedia for what I’m talking about – my favourite is “because she had man hands”). Not pre-judging these guys (and, let’s be honest here, the pure abundance of them) is making me even pickier about the guys I want to spend time with. And I am already fairly fucking picky.

But in the meantime, I’m having fun. I’ve been to the zoo, to new pubs and restaurants, and to the movies. I’m going to a play next week and a museum. I’m seeing new parts of London. I get to tell the same stories OVER and OVER and OVER again. And because it is with a new person each time… they aren’t getting bored of them (or that’s what I tell myself). FUN.

Truth is, there are future blog posts about this brewing in my evil little brain. I just haven’t been writing all along because a) Amy just recently goaded me into doing it and b) so far the dates have mostly been uneventful and even dull. But… it’s me. So you know that dull and uneventful can’t possibly last. And then… let the games begin.

The ironing is delicious*

I was walking along Bethnal Green Street (first impression: Dodgy. But in a very cool way) on my way to view a flat when I saw the fattest kid in the universe** playing a Nintendo DS and facing a Weight Watchers advert that was not a foot away from him . That kid was awesome.

See, this kid is fatter than the one I saw.
And infinitely grumpier.

*I’m deeply in love with you as a person if you got the title of the post without having to look it up. You are obviously one of my favourite people.

**This is probably not true. He was a porker***, but I’m sure he wasn’t the fattest kid in the universe.

***Heh heh. Porker.

>I’m either not cool at all… or too cool for words

>
I still have a Hotmail account, although I haven’t sent mail from it in ages and I’m trying to encourage people to use my Gmail account instead. However, because not everyone is aware of my Gmail account, I still check Hotmail daily to see if there are any interesting goodies in there. Usually, there is nothing.

My Hotmail welcome page is usually full of “news” that I couldn’t care less about – stuff about Paris Hilton’s new BFF (who she’s already ditching, apparently) or which celebs have had surgery on their faces (even the Hoff has had work done… what sort of world are we raising our children in?!?). But today the main article actually caught my attention: “Most Anticipated Albums of 2009”.

I like music! I like anticipation! This article should have been the greatest thing ever. It wasn’t.

First of all, it reminded me about how dumbed-down everything has to be for the general populous. There were no general band reviews here, no speculation of what sort of new directions the bands might be headed on, nothing. Nothing but a photo, a name, a date and an album name. At best… because some of them don’t even have dates or names. Ace. It is a list of music for dumb people who can’t actually read.

Secondly, are they serious?? These are the most anticipated albums of 2009? If this is true, then we are in for a shit year of music, friends and neighbours. Now, I realise that I can be a bit of a… well, snob seems like the right word… snob about music. Elitist. I think… no… no, I know my tastes are far superior to the average person (that doesn’t sound snobby, does it?). But STILL. I mean, look at this list:

10. Lily Allen – It’s Not Me, It’s You

Clever. I’m sure I’ve already seen that on a t-shirt somewhere so Lily doesn’t even have to have her own concert tees printed. She can just order them from OneHorseShy.

09. K-Os – Yes!

That “Yes!” is not me commenting on K-Os’ new album. Apparently that’s the name of it.

08. Keith Urban

Who?

07. Chris Cornell – Scream

Some people should stop making music. I would nominate Chris Cornell for the list, but then what would all the little douchebags out there listen to when they are feeling all “moody”? Poor things.

06. K’Naan – Troubadour

Again: who?

05. U2 – No Line on The Horizon

Now, I won’t diss U2 even though I do feel like Bono would be painfully uncool to hang out with. But these guys are legend in their own right. I just haven’t listened to any of their music since Achtung Baby because…well, because it hasn’t been any good since then. Having said that though, I would go see them live. I’ve heard tell those lads put on a great show.

04. Depeche Mode – Sounds of the Universe

I’m sure it’s ironic-cool to like Depeche Mode but I’m going to go out on a limb here and just say no. No to Depeche Mode and their playability on soft rock stations around the world. (Confession: I thought that I liked a few of their songs when I was like, 12, so I looked up their singles on Wikipedia. I didn’t know any of them. Turns out I was thinking about Duran Duran. I’m actually a loser. Now I’m not sure at all what they sound like… is that snarky remark about soft rock stations applicable to Depeche Mode? Whatevs… I’m leaving it.)

03. Kelly Clarkson – All I Ever Wanted

No.

02. The Fray – The Fray

Don’t make me say “who?” again. Do any of you guys listen to The Fray? Are they any good? I’m afraid to go to last.fm and give them a listen just in case they suck so badly I lose my will to live. Can someone else risk losing a few minutes of their life and let me know how they sound?

01. Franz Ferdinand – Tonight: Franz Ferdinand

I know. I know that a lot of people like Franz Ferdinand. But I don’t. I never have. The only time any of their music has been listened to on purpose in my home was in Korea when Brendan found it necessary to pollute my iTunes with his music. I just don’t get why they are so popular. I don’t get it.

Now, I do understand that some of you may like these particular bands (although I’m hoping not enough to be “anticipating” with bated breath their next release)… some of them you will sincerely enjoy (perhaps U2 or Franz Ferdinand) others with a bit of guilt because you know how painfully uncool it is to listen to their music (Kelly Clarkson) and I’m sorry if I’ve insulted you. Lord knows my taste in music ranges the gambit from completely-awesome to are-you-serious? so I really shouldn’t get all superior about it.

But as I sit here listening to my first three albums of 2009 (Bon Iver – Blood Bank EP, Animal Collective – Merriweather Post Pavilion, Antony & The Johnsons – The Crying Light) I can’t help but feel rather detached from the average Hotmail user. And I think that even if some of you like a few of the bands listed above, there has to be other bands that are releasing albums this year that are more deserving of being on a “most anticipated album” list. So… what do you guys think? What albums are supposed to be out this year that you can’t wait to get your grubby little hands on?

>Captain Turbotastic gives thanks (sort of) to Professor Green

>Brendan finds it necessary to send me news clippings every once in a while. I’m not sure why… perhaps he is worried that I don’t learn as much when I read articles in the form of electronic light instead of in the form of good old-fashion ink and paper. Whatever his motives, every once in a while I received an unmarked envelope that is filled with a potpourri of articles. Some of them I’m sure he has sent because he thinks I’ll be interested in them. Others I believe he sends because I should be interested in them.

When I told Brendan that I was thinking about blogging about some of my reactions to his articles, he insisted on getting kudos (or at least mention) for being the one to bring the articles to my attention in the first place.

So now we know Brendan’s real motive in sending those articles: Fame. He has always secretly hoped that I would write about his articles in my blog and that would herald his arrival on the interwebs scene, perhaps initiating some sort of new “Brendan Meme”.

Chump. No one reads my blog. If you want to see your name on the interwebs, start updating your own blog again. I’m tired of it sitting there, defunct and forgotten. Poor Brendan Blog.

Anyway, so there will be a few entries in the near future that are referencing articles. Yes, they will all be referring to the articles that dear, sweet Brendan has sent to me in order to brighten my day and make me just that little bit smarter. So here’s your mention, B. Don’t expect me to do it again.

>Desperation is a stinky cologne

>First, let me precede this blog post by saying, no… no I haven’t got so desperate that I’m now shopping for guys on “Mail Order Husbands”. Close, but not quite.

I found the site through other blogs, so I’m behind a bit on this one. I still thought I would share though, just in case y’all aren’t reading the same blogs I am.

Also let me add that as far as I can tell, mailorderhusbands.net is a real site where you can actually buy a husband. I’ve heard tell they range in price from about $400 to $9000 (for a real good ‘un).

In case you’re strapped for cash, they accept all major credit cards and there is even a layaway plan.

They do hook you in with a picture of a happy couple on the homepage, staring lovingly into each other’s attractive faces.

I don’t know how much he costs though…

Note the actual eligible bachelors aren’t quite as, um… “photogenic as the dude on the homepage” is probably the kindest way to word this sentence.

This is Andrew, ladies.

The bachelors themselves are awesome. They’ve written a wee blurb about themselves so if their picture isn’t enough to rev your engine, ladies, perhaps the pure magic of their linguistic prowess will. For your convenience, here were some of the gems I personally enjoyed:

Leonard: After a string of bad luck, I’m looking a get me a good woman who’s got some dough.

Buzet: I am looking for someone who can hold my attention, keep up with me, and who knows how to dress a wound. I am attracted to a girl with a job and a car. preferably a Camarro.

::SIDE NOTE::

Does that say, “who knows how to dress a wound”? HAWT!

::END SIDE NOTE::

Daryl: My parents are kicking me out after December and I’d like to meet a woman with a lot of money so we can have fun. I like women between 18-45, but would consider older if we do not have to touch a lot.

Philip: I live in a crappy basement apartment and I’m hoping to go somewhere warm and sunny. If you have money and you aren’t in Canada please email me.

::SIDE NOTE::

From all the amazing chicks in Canader, Phil: bite me.

::END SIDE NOTE::

Steven: I’m definitely a classic romantic. I like a candlelight dinner, some quiet background music, and a couple hits of ether. I prefer a woman that has insurance and a car would be great as I need to make the occassional trip to Mexico to pick up “souvenirs”.

Bertram: I got booted off Match.com for cyber stalking but I’m better now.

Andrew: As a 23 year old balding man I’m in a hurry to find love.

Marcus: Ever drank paint thinner? Don’t! trust me its a bad idea. I’m a fun lovin’ guy who knows a few magic tricks.

Lenny: I’m 7-foot-5 and looking for love. You likey the love? Tall guys have it going on… you know what I’m saying? oh yeah! I’m also pierced, and I don’t mean in the ear…

Jeb: Hi there ladies, pick me. I’m itchin’ to start a new life in an exciting place. I got bought by some lady in London, but she didn’t like me, so I’m back.

David: Ladies, serving your needs is my game. Actually rugby is my game.

Earl: I deal in reality…and the reality is that I’m ready for love. I can chop lots of wood and can even climb a greased pole. I keep in shape by chasing chickens around my back yard. I keep my self clean and take baths weekly.

Mike: I am very romantic and in very good condition,.. but I won’t be available for about 18 months, but I’m happy to write letters. I’m up for parole next month, so I’m hoping to be available sooner.

Fuad: Ladies, I’m still available. I’ve been here for about 2 years. what gives? Don’t ya wanna party with me? woohoo… They lowered my price twice already. I’m a red-hot special, come and get me.

::SIDE NOTE::

There is so much about this one I could snark about. Instead, let me leave it at this: Faud? Really?

::END SIDE NOTE::

I wish I could tell you that the fun ends on the “Husbands” page, but this website is a delight, friends and neighbours. You must promise to check out the “Success Stories” page, which has naught but one story on it at the moment.

Arlina met her husband, Mark, through the MOH print catalog. Their affection blossomed when Arlina sent for him in his homeland of Latvia. Mark’s understanding of English is rough due to his learning disabilities, but they are both fluent in the language of love.

Why isn’t this on the homepage?

I freaking LOVE them! I hope those crazy kids make it!

And the fun STILL doesn’t stop! They have a compatibility test as well… you should give it a try and find your ideal mail-order husband match (this is a whole bucket of fun!) For those of you who are going to be too lazy to click over to this wonderful, wonderful site, here is a sampling of my favourite test questions (I hope you are feeling the love):

Q. Does spending a lot of time with a new group of people

  • stimulate and energize you
  • make you itchy and sweaty

Q. Are you more impressed by

  • principles–thinking of how things occur objectively
  • emotions–feeling the way things personally impress you
  • neither–you’re confusing me

Q. Do you prefer to work

  • to deadlines
  • work? I haven’t worked in 2 years.

Q. Are you more likely to

  • stay in the “here and now”
  • converse with imaginary friends

Q. Which of these characteristics do you identify with

  • I enjoy being friendly and helping others
  • I have been known to torture small animals

Q. How often to you bathe

  • more than once a week
  • less than once a week

Q. Events are more comfortable for you if

  • you can participate in them with your decisions
  • you can watch from a safe distance behind bushes

Q. Your decisions mostly are based on

  • logic and facts
  • emotions and personal values (i.e. nonsense)

Rarely does a website make me feel simultaneously so giggly and superior. Thank you so much, Mail Order Husbands! Yours is the best website I’ve stumbled upon in a long, long time. Bless you.