Tag Archives: interwebs

>Dilemma

>I’m trying to figure out if an effort to translate the entire Bible (both Testaments!) into LOL speak makes me love my fellow humans more or hate them with my whole heart.

Probably hate.

However, I wanted to see what my favourite passage in the Bible (I may be a sinner but that Jebus guy had some wicked cool ideas, yo) would read like in LOL speak.  Conclusion: I don’t think it’s all that easier (or harder) to read than the old English versions of the Bible… but it is infinitely funnier. And I think Jebus would dig that. Srsly.

teh catitudes

1
Wen he seez lotz kittehz, he climbz tree. His BFz climbz tree too.
2
He sez hai and he teaches teh kittehs, he sez:
3
Cheezburgrz 4 teh n00b kittehs, theys can has teh Ceiling.
4
Cheezburgrz 4 teh sad kittehs, theys can has petting.
5
Cheezburgrz 4 teh m33k kittehs, theys can has teh urfs.
6
Cheezburgrz 4 teh kittehs who sez “I can has gud, plz?”, theys can has it.
7
Cheezburgrz 4 teh kittehs dat no pwns, Ceiling Cat no pwnz0rz thems.
8
Cheezburgrz 4 teh kittehs wiff purr in hartz, theys can sees Ceiling Cat.
9
Cheezburgrz 4 teh kittehs dat sez shhhhh!, Ceiling Cat is liek “u mai kittehs.”
10
Cheezburgrz 4 teh kittehs dat gets pwned by otehrs fur haz gud, theys can has teh Ceiling too.
11
Cheezburgrz if otehrs be liek “DO NOT WANT” 2 u, an liez abt u, coz of meh.
12
B teh happys n party, coz u can has cookiez n cakez in Ceiling. Iz liek wen theys been liek “DO NOT WANT” to all teh holee kittehs b4.

Little work joys

>A few of you know that I’m working at a new company.  They are Headshift*, and so far I dig them supreme. It is a new way of working for me (from using a Mac to putting everything on an internal wiki) and everyone here is really cool.

I know. I said that about the last place. And the place before that. The one before that was balls to start and stayed balls to the end… but the two before this one were pretty good (until they weren’t). So I’m wary of the honeymoon stage.  But so far this one is a good ‘un.  I’m allowed to Twitter at work. On all three accounts (my main one, my work one, and Miller‘s). There’s a lot to learn (I’m even learning coding) and a lot to do. So it’s all good.

But here is a small bit of working joy that made me happy.

When I applied for the role I read through their website. In my cover letter to the company I very cheekily pointed out that they had spelled “campaign” incorrectly on one of the pages. I thought this was an extremely clever way of illustrating that I really had checked out the website as well as my amazing attention to details. Turns out my attention to details is made of fail: I forgot to attach my CV to my email. (S’okay, they hired me anyway.)

Now, in most companies (or at least “most companies that I’ve worked for”), it would take forever to get something like that changed on the website. Multiple departments would be consulted. There would probably be a meeting to discuss it. We’d probably have to hire someone to consult… something.

Know how hard it was to get that spelling mistake fixed here?

I logged in and fixed it.

I didn’t have to ask anyone. I didn’t have to dick around in anyway. I just had to log in and correct a spelling mistake. And while I was at it, I fixed a link. If you clicked on my name on the people page, it linked to Jon’s profile. I’m not Jon! So I just changed it and now it links to me. And then I smiled.

Everything at work should be this easy.

*I feel a disclaimer is necessary here. Just because I work for them and I’m linking to their site, Headshift in NO way endorse Captain Turbotastic’s work, opinions or habitual use of the word “fucktard”. Seriously. Would you?

Twittless

>If you are a twitterer (I’m sure there’s another word for that) you know the awful truth: Twitter* is down today, possibly due to a DOS attack. It doesn’t really matter why. What matters is that I can’t make a witty quip about the woman on the bus doing her make-up on the way to work in 140 characters or less. That’s what matters.

As Wired.com so introspectively put it: How do you confirm Twitter is down without Twitter?

You could check http://istwitterdown.com/ (Is it just me or is this new meme hilarious? I mean, for now… once it becomes too popular and you start seeing this kind of page everywhere I’m going to start punching the interwebs in the nards.)

Or you could go to http://downforeveryoneorjustme.com/.

Down for everyone is awesome! I’m sure everyone in the world except me knows about it (case in point, and rather ironically, “Down for everyone” was down today when it was inundated with people trying to figure out if the entire world was Twitterless or not).

You plug in the website that you can’t seem to access and it tells you if the page is down for everyone, or if the interwebs has something against you personally. I wish I had known about it when I was trying to log into the Barclays site (I gave up and got an HSBC account instead – take THAT Baclays!) although I’m fairly certain that the interwebs were after me specifically that day.

Sigh. I don’t want to have to keep real blogging or going to the actual Facebook page to update my status. I wants me Twitter back. Which is funny when you consider I didn’t know what it was for when I started using it a year ago (or funnier when you consider I couldn’t tell you what it is for now).

*obviously don’t click on the Twitter link today, you twit. Twitter is down.

>NERD ALERT!: Only I would be happy about this

>I just made myself soooo happy that when this wee trick finally worked I actually got up and danced around. No joke.

I have my own domain name! Hooray!! I’m officially (and then some) on the Interwebs. HOORAY!

So, what does that mean in words that my moms will understand (she’s pretty Interwebs-savvy, but even she might not even get this one)?

I have my own Interwebs address.

That’s right. My own. I owned this here part of the the Interwebs and I intend to keep it, yo.

So from now on, if you want to find my blog (or you want to tell many, many others how to find my delicious and good-for-you blog) you just have to remember this:

http://www.turbotasticaltales.com

And that is all kinds of awesome, friends and neighbours. All freaking kinds. Woot!

>The 11 most unnecessary ‘How To’ guides on the web

>I didn’t take the time to write this article, so I’m happy that the good folks at http://www.cracked.com did. Check it out and see just how chuckalicious it is.

>Captain Turbotastic gives thanks (sort of) to Professor Green

>Brendan finds it necessary to send me news clippings every once in a while. I’m not sure why… perhaps he is worried that I don’t learn as much when I read articles in the form of electronic light instead of in the form of good old-fashion ink and paper. Whatever his motives, every once in a while I received an unmarked envelope that is filled with a potpourri of articles. Some of them I’m sure he has sent because he thinks I’ll be interested in them. Others I believe he sends because I should be interested in them.

When I told Brendan that I was thinking about blogging about some of my reactions to his articles, he insisted on getting kudos (or at least mention) for being the one to bring the articles to my attention in the first place.

So now we know Brendan’s real motive in sending those articles: Fame. He has always secretly hoped that I would write about his articles in my blog and that would herald his arrival on the interwebs scene, perhaps initiating some sort of new “Brendan Meme”.

Chump. No one reads my blog. If you want to see your name on the interwebs, start updating your own blog again. I’m tired of it sitting there, defunct and forgotten. Poor Brendan Blog.

Anyway, so there will be a few entries in the near future that are referencing articles. Yes, they will all be referring to the articles that dear, sweet Brendan has sent to me in order to brighten my day and make me just that little bit smarter. So here’s your mention, B. Don’t expect me to do it again.

>Yup, that’s pretty much how I remember it too

>I’ve seen Star Wars. All of them. I’m sure of it. But for some reason, I have trouble keeping the story straight in my head and remembering all the details (might have something to do with how delayed I am). So if I was forced at gunpoint to reconstruct the original trilogy, I hate to confess it would sound pretty much like this.

I probably shouldn’t confess to such a thing. Makes me less of a nerd than I like to pretend to be. The video above, however, is very very funny and kudos to the people who made it.

>Desperation is a stinky cologne

>First, let me precede this blog post by saying, no… no I haven’t got so desperate that I’m now shopping for guys on “Mail Order Husbands”. Close, but not quite.

I found the site through other blogs, so I’m behind a bit on this one. I still thought I would share though, just in case y’all aren’t reading the same blogs I am.

Also let me add that as far as I can tell, mailorderhusbands.net is a real site where you can actually buy a husband. I’ve heard tell they range in price from about $400 to $9000 (for a real good ‘un).

In case you’re strapped for cash, they accept all major credit cards and there is even a layaway plan.

They do hook you in with a picture of a happy couple on the homepage, staring lovingly into each other’s attractive faces.

I don’t know how much he costs though…

Note the actual eligible bachelors aren’t quite as, um… “photogenic as the dude on the homepage” is probably the kindest way to word this sentence.

This is Andrew, ladies.

The bachelors themselves are awesome. They’ve written a wee blurb about themselves so if their picture isn’t enough to rev your engine, ladies, perhaps the pure magic of their linguistic prowess will. For your convenience, here were some of the gems I personally enjoyed:

Leonard: After a string of bad luck, I’m looking a get me a good woman who’s got some dough.

Buzet: I am looking for someone who can hold my attention, keep up with me, and who knows how to dress a wound. I am attracted to a girl with a job and a car. preferably a Camarro.

::SIDE NOTE::

Does that say, “who knows how to dress a wound”? HAWT!

::END SIDE NOTE::

Daryl: My parents are kicking me out after December and I’d like to meet a woman with a lot of money so we can have fun. I like women between 18-45, but would consider older if we do not have to touch a lot.

Philip: I live in a crappy basement apartment and I’m hoping to go somewhere warm and sunny. If you have money and you aren’t in Canada please email me.

::SIDE NOTE::

From all the amazing chicks in Canader, Phil: bite me.

::END SIDE NOTE::

Steven: I’m definitely a classic romantic. I like a candlelight dinner, some quiet background music, and a couple hits of ether. I prefer a woman that has insurance and a car would be great as I need to make the occassional trip to Mexico to pick up “souvenirs”.

Bertram: I got booted off Match.com for cyber stalking but I’m better now.

Andrew: As a 23 year old balding man I’m in a hurry to find love.

Marcus: Ever drank paint thinner? Don’t! trust me its a bad idea. I’m a fun lovin’ guy who knows a few magic tricks.

Lenny: I’m 7-foot-5 and looking for love. You likey the love? Tall guys have it going on… you know what I’m saying? oh yeah! I’m also pierced, and I don’t mean in the ear…

Jeb: Hi there ladies, pick me. I’m itchin’ to start a new life in an exciting place. I got bought by some lady in London, but she didn’t like me, so I’m back.

David: Ladies, serving your needs is my game. Actually rugby is my game.

Earl: I deal in reality…and the reality is that I’m ready for love. I can chop lots of wood and can even climb a greased pole. I keep in shape by chasing chickens around my back yard. I keep my self clean and take baths weekly.

Mike: I am very romantic and in very good condition,.. but I won’t be available for about 18 months, but I’m happy to write letters. I’m up for parole next month, so I’m hoping to be available sooner.

Fuad: Ladies, I’m still available. I’ve been here for about 2 years. what gives? Don’t ya wanna party with me? woohoo… They lowered my price twice already. I’m a red-hot special, come and get me.

::SIDE NOTE::

There is so much about this one I could snark about. Instead, let me leave it at this: Faud? Really?

::END SIDE NOTE::

I wish I could tell you that the fun ends on the “Husbands” page, but this website is a delight, friends and neighbours. You must promise to check out the “Success Stories” page, which has naught but one story on it at the moment.

Arlina met her husband, Mark, through the MOH print catalog. Their affection blossomed when Arlina sent for him in his homeland of Latvia. Mark’s understanding of English is rough due to his learning disabilities, but they are both fluent in the language of love.

Why isn’t this on the homepage?

I freaking LOVE them! I hope those crazy kids make it!

And the fun STILL doesn’t stop! They have a compatibility test as well… you should give it a try and find your ideal mail-order husband match (this is a whole bucket of fun!) For those of you who are going to be too lazy to click over to this wonderful, wonderful site, here is a sampling of my favourite test questions (I hope you are feeling the love):

Q. Does spending a lot of time with a new group of people

  • stimulate and energize you
  • make you itchy and sweaty

Q. Are you more impressed by

  • principles–thinking of how things occur objectively
  • emotions–feeling the way things personally impress you
  • neither–you’re confusing me

Q. Do you prefer to work

  • to deadlines
  • work? I haven’t worked in 2 years.

Q. Are you more likely to

  • stay in the “here and now”
  • converse with imaginary friends

Q. Which of these characteristics do you identify with

  • I enjoy being friendly and helping others
  • I have been known to torture small animals

Q. How often to you bathe

  • more than once a week
  • less than once a week

Q. Events are more comfortable for you if

  • you can participate in them with your decisions
  • you can watch from a safe distance behind bushes

Q. Your decisions mostly are based on

  • logic and facts
  • emotions and personal values (i.e. nonsense)

Rarely does a website make me feel simultaneously so giggly and superior. Thank you so much, Mail Order Husbands! Yours is the best website I’ve stumbled upon in a long, long time. Bless you.

>Facebook funnies

>I thought Carebear and I were the height of hilarity last night on Facebook.

Cheeky bitch!

But then I saw this exchange….

Names have been hidden to protect the innocent.

>Blogs I like

>I’m a nerd. I read a lot of other blogs. No, a lot. About a plethora of things.

Would you say I have a plethora of pinatas?

I wanted to share something from one of the blogs I like with you today. It is a great blog all the time, but today’s card really hit home today.

Except, of course, I never did have any savings.

I do recommend checking out Indexed. I’ve written about it before, so you know it must be good.