Tag Archives: dating

Stranger Danger

So I made a public declaration on my OkCupid profile that I would respond to any and all messages that get sent to me. This may have been a mistake.

When I first joined the site (nearly two years ago – yikes), I used to respond to everyone. And I tried to respond nicely. It ended up taking up a lot of time and energy though, and in the end I was often left feeling like a dick. Because eventually these knobs would want to meet me. And there was no way (for a lot of them) that was going to happen. So then there was the whole dance of trying to get them to go away. And getting rid of some of these desperate fuckers was nigh-on impossible. Exhausting.

So when I rejoined this year (there was a good year long sabbatical in there when I was dating the boy) I decided to not answer all the messages. Because really, most of the wieners that contact me can fuck right off. Why should I even bother engaging in the first place?

But now I’m back to how I used to feel about it: If they are taking time to contact me, the least I can do is write back and tell them I’d rather live in a basement suite with 40 cats, wearing unravelling cardigan sweaters, eating nothing but frozen dinners and watching daytime television alone for the rest of my life than to have to sit through a single pint of conversation with them. Because that’s nicer, right?

If nothing else, I need a hobby now that I’ve finished watching season 6 of both Dexter and Futurama. And who knows? It may just give me some laughs. And if it makes me laugh, there is a good chance I’ll share the laughs with y’all.

Feel the love.


>For Amy (aka ‘Return of the Buddies’)

>I have a feeling I’m going to regret this later.

Writing this, I mean. This will come back to haunt me. I can feel it. Like that creepy ghost-seeing pre-adolescent wanker in Sixth Sense. This blog post will be my dead people.


But I was challenged to write it. Bullied into it. Forced against my will. Etc.

Well, “challenged” (and by extention “bullied” and “forced”) may be a little strong. Perhaps it would be more accurate to say that Amy “suggested” I should write about this because it would be funny. And you never know… she might have a point. It could turn out to be funny. If you aren’t me, I mean.


Fine peoples who have been loyal readers (read: suckas!) of my blog will have to bare with me for a moment while I get the new kids up to speed. Because there are some truths you should know about me before we go ahead with my most recent story of debauchery…

1. Before I got to London I had never gone on a ‘date’ date. I’ve had boyfriends (at least two of them!) and the occasional short-term recreational partner (read: one night stands)… but I hadn’t been on a ‘date’ date. I had just hooked up with friends or random hot dudes on the dance floor.

2. I was 31 when I got to London which makes point 1 vaguely pathetic.

3. When I got to London, I knew only one person and he wasn’t even in the city when I arrived. To say the least, I didn’t have many friends. I wanted to meet more people (read: boys), so I signed up to match.com.

4. It was a fucking debacle. Please see my previous blog entry about Buddy1 (The Disaster) and Buddy2 (The Defect).

5. I gave up on online dating just a few dates after trying it out. See point 4 for more details.

And so there I was. Still roaringly single, but fed up with the online dating scene. Which is a shame, because there was no-one at work worth starting a relationship with (Caveat: assuming that “relationship” connotes something that doesn’t end the next day with me saying something along the lines of “You don’t need me to walk you to the door, do you? There’s a good lad.”) My friends have been UTTER CRAP (yah, I’m talking to you!) about having a peripheral herd of hot single guys that they can set me up with. CRAP.

Craptacular, actually.  So I gave up dating.

But then it was suggested that I try Guardian Soulmates. It was really sold to me. It sounded like I could fill out a form and find prince fucking charming with little more than a snap of my damned fingers.

The actual experience was somewhat less efficient and effective than advertised.

I ended up going out with a couple of guys from that site but didn’t bother to blog about it. I could have. And it would have been very amusing for y’all, I’m sure. BECAUSE MY PAIN MAKES YOU HAPPY. I have proof of this. Your reactions to my experiences in Hell (read: Aurghville) prove how happy my misery makes you. Jerks.

So why didn’t I write about those guys? Well, two of them “friended me” on the Book o’ Faceness, and I fear it is all too easy to find my blog from there (fuck you, Facebook, with your easy connections and shit) and I really have no desire to publicly humiliate them. For now.

So I’ll sum up my Guardian Experience in a short, concise list:

1. One was too distant and self-centred
2. One didn’t even get past the first date
3. One was too close and Jodi-centred


Too distant officially wins over clingy. It isn’t that I like assholes, but I do like the use of my arms when I’m walking. Further, I don’t think hard-to-get is attractive. But seriously, STOP TOUCHING ME ALL THE FUCKING TIME. JUST STOP. Thank you.


And once I was through with those three boys I thought to myself, “Fuck online dating. I give up.” Again.

Seriously, fuck you, internet. You are great for books and shoes and stuff, but CRAP at meaningful relationships. Stop pretending you can help with this, you bastard.

But then a friend (who’s a good looking and awesome guy) said that he was using OKCupid. Which is free. So I thought… got nothing to lose, really. So I signed up. Because I’m dumb like that.

And it has been a hilarious experience for me. I may have individual stories later (like one poor bastard that I’m not going to meet… most unbelievably boring IM conversation in the history of the universe) but for now I’ll leave it like this:

I’ve managed to go on seven first dates in just under two weeks.

First, this is easy to do. I’m a girl and boys on the internet are easy to attract (I have all my limbs). I’ve been trying (and this is hard for me) to not be Judgy McJudgerson and so if they aren’t horrifyingly stupid and/or just plain terrifying when they write to me, I’ll agree to meet with them. Always in public, mommies, I promise. The Captain always plays safely with others.

So I’ve met a bunch of them. And so far… I haven’t had the desire to go on a second date with any of them. I do have a few more first dates lined up over the next week or so… and now I’m wondering how many I’m going to have to go on before I find someone worth seeing twice.

The problem is mostly that I’m picky. I come home and Tyran (my flatmate) says, “How was your date?”, to which I have actually answered things like:

1. He had silly facial hair.
2. He has small hands.
3. He smells like soap.
4. He was from the Midlands.

I’m turning into a girl Seinfeld (see Wikipedia for what I’m talking about – my favourite is “because she had man hands”). Not pre-judging these guys (and, let’s be honest here, the pure abundance of them) is making me even pickier about the guys I want to spend time with. And I am already fairly fucking picky.

But in the meantime, I’m having fun. I’ve been to the zoo, to new pubs and restaurants, and to the movies. I’m going to a play next week and a museum. I’m seeing new parts of London. I get to tell the same stories OVER and OVER and OVER again. And because it is with a new person each time… they aren’t getting bored of them (or that’s what I tell myself). FUN.

Truth is, there are future blog posts about this brewing in my evil little brain. I just haven’t been writing all along because a) Amy just recently goaded me into doing it and b) so far the dates have mostly been uneventful and even dull. But… it’s me. So you know that dull and uneventful can’t possibly last. And then… let the games begin.

>I’m a dick

>Most of you probably already knew that. But I’ve outdone even myself. I finally blew off Buddy2. Or at least… I hope I did. Things have been busy with work (and been busy drinking with work people) and I have maybe, kinda been blowing him off for weeks now, but with excuses of business and illness. Tonight I actually sent the “it’s not you, it’s me” email. I only went out with him three times, and this is the malarkey I have to go through? Dating isn’t freaking worth it!

I’ve also pulled my profile off match. I’ve decided that I’m just not into it at the moment, so there’s no point in forcing it. I’m having fun getting to know the people I work with (good lot, they are) and for now it is enough. If they start to suck or get boring (or both), maybe I’ll give the dating thing a go again. Until then, I’ll drink beers with my friends, and perhaps try my hand at meeting guys the old fashion way… drunk at the bar. HA!

>Cursed Part… Oh forget it… I’m just freaking cursed, alright?

>So, what I haven’t mentioned quite yet is that there has been a Buddy3. He was very nice and we ate pizza. I think though that I was a lame date that night. I was pretty tired and I realised afterwards that I answered more questions than I asked. Oopsie. I like to talk about myself, and when I’m tired I’ll do that without thinking. We’ve been in touch since via email, but I don’t necessarily see a second date coming. He has the potential to be normal and I don’t hear from him? Cursed.

But there is another part of the Curse. The date with Buddy2 went well, so I decided I would meet him again. He is a very sweet guy: I suggested that we go for Italian somewhere near his place (he lives in Victoria, about halfway from work to home for me) and he did research. He walked around the area and then went online and found a menu. How stinking cute is that? We had a great meal and a nice night. I’m even beginning to think that I could move past the deafness if he is really cool even though it would mean never sharing rad music with him (which is important to me) or going to the cinema and stuff.

So… what about the Curse? I wouldn’t be writing about this if there wasn’t something wrong… right?

Sigh. Right.

Well, here’s the Curse, and something that I wasn’t really expecting. The problem is that he likes me. No, no. Really likes me. As in… sigh. Okay, so when you sign up for Match (I’ll explain just in case aren’t desperate enough to shop for dates online and don’t know how it works) they email you profiles that match what you are looking for in a date. Well, I guess Buddy2 got one of these messages, and I was one of his matches (note: he isn’t one of mine). So he clicked on my picture and noticed that I’ve been active lately on the site. So, I guess he hasn’t been. Oops.

He emailed me to let me know that he isn’t upset by this, but sad. Apparently, after just two freaking dates, he thought things were more serious than I do. I’m still checking out other dudes on my way to meet him… he’s picking out fucking china patterns.

Now, I do realise that this could be something wrong with me. I shouldn’t find him less attractive just because he likes me. And don’t even start in on me… I’m not scared. I just don’t trust that someone could get so involved so quickly. Especially someone who could like me that quickly. I pride myself on being a bit caustic and a bit of a bastard. Maybe that isn’t coming across because I have to write everything down. And writing down all the extra swear words I would normally use to distance myself is just too much of an effort when trying to communicate with a pen and paper.

I’ve emailed him back tonight to let him know that I do think he’s cool, but I don’t think he should be thinking about honeymoon destinations just yet. We’ll see how that goes. I tried to not be an asshole about it. But sometimes I’m kind of an asshole.

Other than that, things are pretty quiet on the dating front. I’ve been more wound up with work and flat-hunting to pursue much more meat at the moment. EW! I can’t believe I just referred to dating as “pursuing meat”. I probably deserve to be Cursed….

>Cursed Parts 3 and 4

>The last “Cursed” entry only warranted a half rating but now I’m happy to let you know about Parts 3 and 4. No, I don’t even have more dates. These guys rocked on to the Cursed list just by being interested.

Why do I attract bozos like this? Why? I’m not even granting these yahoos “Buddy” status, because I will never, ever meet them in person. It isn’t even worth it for the blog, sorry guys. Seriously. Not. Worth. It.

On Match, people can “wink” at you or send you emails through the website. This is something I actually appreciate a lot and part of the reason I’m doing this. I’m really dumb when it comes to sussing out whether or not boys like me. I just figure they are being friendly. It isn’t that I think I’m completely unattractive or not worthy or some unhappy shite like that, I’m just not very smart about boys in general. Couple that with boys not being very smart about girls, and I’m left in the dark all the freaking time. Happily, I don’t have to analyse anything on match, if they wink or the email, then they are at least somewhat interested. If I wink or email back and I never hear from them again, they aren’t. Easy. I swear this shite was set up just for dumbasses like me.

But sometimes I get emails I could do without. Like from this one guy that I couldn’t be less interested in. First, he emailed me back at the end of January in response to the Nietzsche quote I had on my profile. His email went like this:

Subject: What does not kill me, makes me stronger! Freidrich Nietzsche
Message: And if you wink back at me and your PC doesnt explode you therefore must get stronger which is a good thing 🙂

Wha? His black and white profile picture… well, friends, he looks like George Costanza from Seinfeld, and not in a good way. I ignore him.

He emails me AGAIN on the 20th of February with this happy crappy:

Subject: How comes you are interested in white Russians?
Message: Are there any red ones left these days 🙂

First of all, pal, I can’t handle your grammar for a bald dude with glasses and where’s the punctuation on your question, ass? But, because I’m a nice person (HA!) I responded to this email. I wrote back:

I like White Russians because they are tasty. The Kailua is probably not good for me though.

That’s it. That’s all I had to say. I thought I was being a bit snarky, actually. Uncalled for, perhaps. But I felt as though Costanza provoked me with his poor grammar and punctuation. Can you believe he actually wrote me back? Keep in mind, please, the short and snappy little message I zinged back. This is what he writes:

For some complete weird reason I thought you were referring to pre tsarist Russian history not cocktails through they can be fun too J

So how are you finding London, I’ve been to a small town in Canada called Barrie, Ontario but that was a bit of disaster (involved intensive care and getting to know the Canadian legal system well but don’t worry I wasn’t the one doing anything wrong, can tell you more of a coffee if you want). I’ve travelled quite a bit visiting friends online but not of a while. The last place I went to was Rostov-on-Don in Russia (internet buddy) but I would still like to see more of Moscow (seen the airport) and St Petersburg.

I have to admit I really do like your profile, you sound very clever but a little ‘wild’. Well done in eating the scorpion in China I was offered a widgity grub in Australia but I chickened out alas. Slugs just aren’t meant to be eaten and the Aboriginees seem to prefer Mcdonalds these days anyway

Anyway how you write soon

AURGHPANTS! WHY ME?!? Now, although he did pretty much hit the nail on the head with “clever but a little ‘wild'” (although I don’t know what the quotations are for – “wild” in what way? What is Costanza thinking? EW EW EW!)

I’m not writing him back again. You want to know the number one reason? It isn’t, believe it or not, his poor grammar or bald head (although those things are not helping). It is because his profile name is “draculathecat”. I don’t want to even know why. The answer is no.

Which brings me to our next contestant: This guy nearly made me laugh out loud. Seriously. His handle is “pudk555” which means less than nothing to me. Have a read of his stellar email to me and just leave a guess in the comments as to why he is Cursed Part 4. Where do these people come from?


I hope you are fine! you will find lot of things common in our profile I am among the top line Engineer’s in U.K I am ready to compromise anything for you …you are my dream in reality………

I am the man with most of the things like

Good job



Love from Deep Heart

And same Dreams like you

Lets become part of beautiful life waiting for your reply

Waiting for you reply

Keep waiting, pal, it ain’t gonna happen. Sigh.

Original Comments:

Brendan wrote (on 05/03/08):
Cursed Part 4 is like something you’d read on a Korean greeting card!

>Cursed – Part Deux Point Five

>I’m not calling this “Cursed Part Three” as the date on Saturday didn’t go all that badly. You know, considering.

First, I took it as a bad sign that I wasn’t excited or nervous all day on Saturday. I puttered around the house, goofed off, played guitar, and finally realised late in the day that I might want to shower and stuff. So I finally did that and left at the last possible minute. I was still on time… but I’m usually early.

I couldn’t find the exact street Buddy2 told me to meet at, as the area around Charing Cross Road is busy. But I sent him a text message telling him exactly where I was and he came and got me. Which is a good start – at least he wasn’t late like the last guy. And he’s pretty cute, also not like the last guy.

Through gesture and a notepad, we headed to a restaurant in Chinatown. Communicating with Buddy2 wasn’t as hard as I thought it was going to be, but it wasn’t as easy as just being able to speak to someone. We went to a very good restaurant with fantastic dim sum, which I love. We “chatted” throughout the meal using a notepad. I’ve learned some sign language already. He’s already learned my facial gesture for “huh?”

Although he couldn’t speak, he was very kind and pretty funny. One thing I can share is this: I don’t know how we got on the subject (no, really, it isn’t as though we were “talking” about it!) that things in the USA and the UK are spelled differently (although I think it came about from both of us being horrible spellers). I was listing some of them; colour/color, cheque/check, neighbour/neighbor, doughnut/donut… and he added Blair/Bush. Which is pretty funny. In fact, I might use that one some day.

After dinner we walked to a pub and had a pint and continued writing out our conversations. Walked to the train station and said goodnight.

There are some minor red flags with this guy: he doesn’t drink, he doesn’t eat spicy food, he doesn’t know how awesome Radiohead is. He also makes me feel bad about myself because I do think that if he wasn’t deaf I would be more interested. But I can’t really imagine, I don’t know, like… getting married and stuff because it is too hard to be witty and/or sarcastic and/or cynical when you have to write everything down. Even if he learns to read lips, I’ll have to learn to speak slowly. I’ll never get to chat with him about stupid stuff after lights out. I’ll never be able to argue how Travis is a much better band than Coldplay musically even if Coldplay is doing better commercially. Although he’d be the one guy who wouldn’t have anything smart-ass to say about my guitar playing.

For now, I’m leaving it like this: I’ve agreed to see him again, and I’m trying to be open-minded. But I’m pretty good about sussing dudes out right away and in the end I think that beyond him not being able to hear the melodious sound of my voice (shut up, Brendan), I don’t know if he and I have enough in common.

In the meantime, there are a few other Buddys waiting for me to email them back. Out of the three, at least 2.5 of them may be wankers, and apparently 2 of them definitely are.

I’m such an ass. I probably deserve to be cursed…

Original Comments:

Brendan wrote (on 05/03/08):

You do deserve to be cursed.
How do you know when I’m thinking a smart comment?! You’re nearly always spot on.
You do talk a lot after lights out. It’d never work.

>Cursed – Part Deux


First, I kinda left the story with Buddy1 with no real ending, didn’t I?

He made me tell him that I would text or call him. Which I didn’t. I had to write an email to say I just wasn’t interested. I felt like an ass. At least I was nice and didn’t give him the Red Flag count.

Also… sigh. I’ve made a date with Buddy2 for Saturday. I’ll let you know how that goes.