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If you are relegated to last place in every category are you bothered enough to struggle out?

I don’t think you have to worry about being in last place. Chances are you aren’t going to make it to first place no matter how hard you struggle, my friend. And there is no point in struggling to be in second-to-last place. There is no glory there either. And people know how hard it is going from last to first. So if you are in last place, there is no disappointment or pressure from anyone if you give up the race. You weren’t even close to winning anyway.

It’s the middle that sucks. The average. The mediocre. If you know that you are good enough to give it a try (whatever “it” might be), but not good enough that you will ever be the best at it (or even very good)… what then? Do you keep at it or do you give up? And why does it feel so much worse to give up from the middle than it does from the bottom?

That’s my thing. I’m average. Somewhere right in the overlooked middle of the group. Looks? Average. Smarts? Average. SkillZ? Mad. Nah… just joking. Also average.

I’ve actually wished that I could have the part of my brain that is so fucking self-aware lobotimised. If only I wasn’t aware of my own mediocrity, I think I could be happy with not being better than I am. Instead I get to be tortured by my own brain that somehow, for some reason, I will never get to be good enough because I won’t ever be in that top percentile when it comes to anything. No matter how hard I struggle. So should I struggle? Or should I find peace in being lost in the crowd?

My Artist Cloud


Music The Captain Loves

Did you love your mother and father…

>…and do Psalms do it for you?

I’m really uncertain how the two halves of this question go together. Really uncertain. This is probably in large part due to my largely secular upbringing and current theological stance. I know that there is a commandment about ‘loving thy mother and father’ somewhere in the Bible along with a bunch of other rules about humping your neighbour’s ass and how taking the Lord’s name in vain is a bajillion times worse than any of the cuss words I could invent. I even know there are plenty more commandments than the ten that Moses harped on about after talking to the burning bush of burning bushiness. But I have no idea where in the Bible they are. The commandments aren’t in Psalms, are they?

I KNOW that’s Charlton Heston… but doesn’t Moses look a little like Will Ferrell?

I love my mother and father very much. And not just did (as the question puts it), but do. And although there were times in my young life when I was very, very angry with them both for reasons I don’t feel like blogging about… I am not any more. And I’m so grateful for that.

I’m grateful that I was able to not just repair my relationship with my moms, but to actually come to love her and appreciate her even more than I did when I was a kid and she was all-powerful and all-knowing (she would, of course, argue that she still is). She means the world to me, and sometimes it frightens me that we may have been lost to each other forever. That would have been a real tragedy. She’s my rock.

I’m grateful that I was on very good terms with my dad before he passed away… before the time came when I wouldn’t have the chance to forgive him, stop being so angry, and get to know him as an adult. He was never a perfect TV dad, but he was my dad, and the best that I could ask for.

Dr. Jason Roland Seaver = great TV dad. Fact.


AH HA HA HA. Okay. I thought I knew at least some of the Psalms. And I do… the ‘Lord is my shepherd that makes the death valley grass green and stuff so I don’t have to be afraid’ bit. Which is Psalm 23, if you are curious. But the way I remember it? Mashed together with bits from Ezekiel 25 (I CLEARLY don’t go to church)….


Seriously though – love my moms and dad. Not so sure about Psalms. I’m sure they’re alright once you get to know them.
PS: The commandment about yer ma and pa is in Matthew 19:19, if you care.

Could you lie down and take a rest on a sidewalk?

I have been tired enough that I have felt like I *could* lie down on the sidewalk and sleep (I mean, to the point where I’ve seriously contemplated it), but I haven’t ever done it. And I don’t think I could. Even exhausted, I think I would be jumpy about trying to sleep in a place like that.

Shoot. I’m bad about getting to sleep in my own bed (exhausted or not). I don’t think I’d be able to shut down enough to ever sleep on a random sidewalk.

In your view, do children smell good?

Most children definitely do.  I mean, not when they are really sick… or if they’ve pooped themselves or similar (read: vomited). But overall? The smell of a sleepy, snuggy little kid’s head is pretty freaking awesome.

Mild Gymnophobia

>I wouldn’t necessarily call myself body shy, but I am certainly body conscious. Always having been the chubby kid, it comes with the territory.

I’m not as bad as I used to be. When I was a kid, I was capable of changing for gym without a showing a single piece of flesh. But did I win a first place ribbon for THAT bit of gymnastics? Did I bullocks. Life’s not fair when you are twelve.

Eventually I grew out of that and became slightly more open but still body cautious in public. I liked gyms with changing cubicles. If they didn’t have them, I would perform similar strip gymnastics as when I was twelve, but now I had a towel to protect me. Shit, I used to use the pool for 12 seconds just so I had a reason to shower in my swimsuit without anyone thinking I was a fucking weird-ass never-nude or something.


In looking for that picture of Tobias Fünke from Arrested Development in his cutoffs… I found out that the fear of being nude is called Gymnophobia. THANK YOU WIKIPEDIA. MY LIFE IS COMPLETE.


And then Korea happened.

In Korea, ladies in gym locker rooms / showers and the saunas walk around naked bold as jays. It is pretty unnerving at first, but then you just sort of roll with it. Just read the “too much skin” portion of this post and you’ll get what I mean. I even had a small child once – and the children in Korea will laugh if your shirt rides up a wee bit in the back whilst you write on the board – come up to me in the gym (she swam there) locker room once while we were both completely starkers and say, “Jodi Teacher! You want an orange?” and then proceeded to hand me an orange.

I got over being nude in front of strangers pretty quickly over there.

Ah, but that is the key “in front of strangers”. I’m still a little shy about stripping down in front of people who know me. I don’t know why I think it is worse that someone I see all the time may notice you can’t see my abdominals under all that insulation… I’m pretty sure I don’t look any skinner with my kit on.

And what’s the point of this post? Well, at the gym I go to now, the lady who works in the spa there also trains at the gym. Often around the time I do. And she was in there at the same time as me today and I was feeling a little blushy (new word alert) about changing with her right there.

The point of this post: I’m a retard. This is the same spa lady who pulls hair out of my Lady Vagaga with hot wax and I’m worried she might have a look at my back fat? Seriously? HUGE ridiculousness right there, boys and girls. Huge.

How do you stand in relation to the potato?


I like potatoes. Versatile little buggers.

Murf Mode

This was the first week of some pretty major changes as I try to improve on my quality of life. I’m not sure if it is going well or not.

I’m pretty sleepy bears.

Here are the biggest changes that I have made:

Food: No sugar, pasta, potatoes, bread. Much more water. No booze. Eating a good breakfast.

Exercise: I’m doing some. I’m trying for a quick Wiiworkout in the mornings and the gym at lunch. If I’m feeling extra good – I’ll do some sort of light activity in the evening (yoga, swim, walk).

Sleep: Going to bed before 11pm, taking melatonin, waking up at the same time each morning.

Other: Taking my vitamins, trying to just generally be more positive about things and stuffs.

How am I doing?

On the food front, I’m rocking it. And it hasn’t even been hard, although the amount of cooking that I’m doing is shocking. SHOCKING. And I’ve actually been seen eating beans this week. BEANS. (Fuller longer, eh?)

I’ve easily managed to steer clear of the booze (and so far, I don’t miss it) and avoiding the other bits hasn’t been too bad. I’m getting sick of breakfast. I’m not a breakfast eater. And although I am making yummy breakfasts, it is a huge change that I’m going to really have to work at sticking with.

I have managed two morning Wiiworkouts, but yesterday and today I crapped out (and slept in – part of my low energy issue). I have gone to the gym every day at lunch. I like going. I don’t like having to shower midday. I feel better after the activity. I hate carrying gym shit around. It’s another change I’m really going to have to work at sticking with.

I’ve done nothing active in the evenings. In the evenings, I have been a sloth. A slug. A lazy video-watching, drooling, half-awake pool of not-doing-anything. I hope that will change.

I am rocking going to bed before 11pm and taking the melatonin (I don’t know if it is really doing anything for me or not yet). I have been balls about getting up on time yesterday and today. TIRED.

This has been a helluva stressful week at work. But I think that I’m handling it better than I usually would have. This doesn’t change that I am suffering pretty bad headaches and that I was coughing up one of my lungs this morning. I think that with my old habits, this week would have hit me much harder. However, having a hard week is making it much harder to hit my new habits. If that makes sense.

And the sleepiness and headache have put me in murf mode. I was so slow moving this morning I was nearly going backwards and I actually yelled at the universe when I couldn’t find my umbrella. I’m feeling extremely overwhelmed by work. The weather is shit. I can’t even get started with what I need to do today.

On the plus side – it was (thank goodness!) a short week and tomorrow is the weekend. I just have to make it through to the other side of today in tact. Then, rest up  over the weekend and be ready to face another week Monday.

Vitamin D and other stories

>So, along with the exercise “thing”, I’m going to start taking a couple of additional supplements that I hope will improve my general well-being.

The first is vitamin D. I’m beginning to realise that trying to make vitamin D from the sun for the majority of the year in England is like trying to stay sober by drinking beer. Just doesn’t happen. At least not for approximately nine months of the year.




And you need vitamin D for things and stuffs, like not being a sad, tired sack of crap. So I’m going to add some supplements to my diet and see if I don’t perk up a wee bit.

The other thing I’m giving a go with is Melatonin, which is supposed to help with sleep. I have sleep issues. Always have. I’ve tried a million things to help it, but haven’t given Melatonin a go. So… Melatonin a go-go.


Melanoma” and “Melatonin” are two very, very different things. I would highly suggest that if you don’t want the chick at Holland and Barrett to look at you like you are a retard, do NOT go into the shop and ask for the former.

Not that I would know that from personal experience or anything. Ahem.


If I notice, you know, ANYTHING with either of these supplements… I’ll post about it. Hopefully they’ll put me in a better mood. Hopefully.

Again? Haven’t we been through this before?

>I’ve joined a gym. Again. So far I’m feeling very virtuous. If I go regularly for a week, I’ll feel angelic. Sometime into the second month, I’ll become (even more) unbearable.

I wonder how long it will last? At least this time there isn’t a contract – I can quit with a month’s notice. Right now I’m just going at lunch and running on the treadmill like a squirrel on a wheel.


I mean “squirrel on a wheel” and not “hamster on a wheel”. Remember my pet squirrels in Korea? Marty used to run the shit out of that wheel. He too had stress and other issues.

Yay squirrels!

I’m using the gym for exercise (I mean – obviously) but it is mostly so that, for one hour, I’m away from my desk and hopefully zoning (zenning?) out. It’s part of my marvellous plan to stress less and stay more positive for 2011. I’m bored of being Captain Bringdown, it’s time to bring back Captain Turbotastic.