Are you familiar with the religious positions taken regarding the various hooves of animals?

What? NO.

Should I be?

Pardon me a moment whilst I Google something…

All I’m finding is the bit about the cloven hoof and the devil, which I did know. Screw you, Wikipedia.

After being let down by Wikipedia, I headed over to BibleGateway.com for searches on ‘hoof ‘and ‘hooves‘. It’s mostly about eating pigs and getting dirty (that’s what I’m taking away from it), but I do like this bad-ass verse:

Micah 4:13
“Rise and thresh, Daughter Zion, for I will give you horns
of iron; I will give you hooves of bronze, and you will
break to pieces many nations.” You will devote their
ill-gotten gains to the LORD, their wealth to the Lord 
of all the earth.

I dunno about giving all their stuff to God once Zion has gone and kicked their ass… but the rest of it sounds pretty awesome.

How do we know that Satan has hooves anyway? In fact, how do we know what he looks like at all? More Bible study for me…

From 1 Chronicles 21:1, Satan rises up and makes David take a census. So maybe he looks like an accountant or some kind of bureaucrat. Do accountants have hooves?

In Job 1:6, Satan went with the angels one day to say howdy to God. If no one noticed him, he must look like an angel. Again: Hooves?

::Side Note::

I gave myself the giggles with that last bit. I just imagine a bunch of angels (technically a ‘legion of angels’, innit?) hanging around God’s throne, going ‘What up?’ and Satan kind of hanging around the back, not wanting God to get too good a look at him. *Snicker*

::End Side Note::

Also from Job (Satan is big in the book of Job), Satan tells God that he’s been cruising all over the earth, ‘going back and forth on it’. I’m going to infer ‘in a boat’. So perhaps he looks like a pirate. With hooves.

More Job-y goodness: God tells Satan, ‘Very well, then, he is in your hands…’ so I think Satan must have HUGE hands. Dunno about his freaking feet though.

In Matthew 16:23 Jesus says, ‘Get behind me, Satan! You are a stumbling block….’ Clearly Satan must be square. A smaller-than-Jesus-sized square. With hooves.

There are, of course, more references to Satan in the Bible (more so than there are about the devil, go figure). But I’m going to stop this silliness with this:

He replied, ‘I saw Satan fall like lightning from heaven.’ (Luke 10:18)

I’m NOT seeing anything in the Bible about the Devil’s feet. WTF, Bible?

So if Satan’s cloven hooves aren’t mentioned in the Bible, where did we get this crazy idea that Satan has hooves and horns when none of the other angels (fallen or not) have them as well? Oh wait…

Oh ho! I see what you did there, Christianity! I guess if you can’t beat ’em, demonise their gods until they join you. Or something. Poor Pan.

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