The Wii broke my crotch

>Alright, so it isn’t my crotch… crotch is just funnier than groin and groin is funnier than “inner upper thigh thingers” by which I suppose I would mean my quadriceps (which is a little funny, but in a far geekier way).

On Monday I played EA’s “Active” for the Wii. It’s pretty good, if a little cheesy (ie: the music, the trainer). With the game you get an elastic resistance band and a leg holster for the nun-chuck part of the Wiimote. You tell the machine some embarrassing details about yourself (age and weight) and create an character for yourself (mine looks disturbingly a lot like me, except I would never, ever wear a track-fucking-suit).

Because it is a game, I thought it would be pretty easy. So I sent the intensity on the highest level. I mean… how intense could it be? Turns out – pretty fucking intense.

I like the way it works – it keeps you moving and gets you sweating. I was awesome at the running but the kick-backs nearly killed me. The arm stuff was no problem at all. The trainer is very supportive and vaguely retarded (she’ll say, “you made that look easy!” when I’m panting, dripping sweat and begging her to stop making me do squats, which is either cruel or stupid).

So why does my crotch hurt so much?

First, the inline skating. Oh lord, the inline skating. It sounded so easy… crouch down to go fast, stand to slow down, jump to… well, to jump (duh). Easy, right? No, no, no. Do a deep squat right now and hold it for two minutes. Go on, I dare ya. I’ll wait. But while you are doing that, every few seconds toss a jump in there and get back into your squat. Make sure you do 24 jumps. Doesn’t feel so good, does it? Now, do that twice within a 30 minute period while you are also doing other inane things like jogging in place or shoulder raises. Does. not. feel. good.

Next, the lunges. At the time this seemed less pain-inducing than the skating (which nearly made me weep, I tells ya) but in hindsight I think this was the killer move. The reason is two-fold. First, the Wii knows you are moving because of the nun-chuck strapped to your leg. And unless you do a deep lunge, the game knows you are a dirty cheater. So you have to do a pretty intense lunge that is nearly the splits. Second, I’m an out-of-shape mutha-effa. So doing things like “exercise” hurts me. Apparently, hurts me a lot. For days.

Between the skating and the lunges, my inner thigh muscles are just killing me. I’ve been walking around like a cowboy with no horse since Monday. Obviously it was a good workout, but I don’t know how effective it is to hurt myself for half an hour one night and then not be able to move for the next three days. Seriously.

I’m going to give it another go tonight but with the intensity kicked down a notch. If my crotch is going to hurt this badly, I can think of more interesting and enjoyable ways to cause that. And none of them involve making a Wii-mii inline skate.

One response to “The Wii broke my crotch

  1. >My crotch has been hurting, too! Awww….I feel closer to you now. Although mine is from pushing a baby out of it, and yours is from playing Wii. But still.

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