You know how they have “sensitive” toothpaste? I need that. Not because my teeth hurt, but because I’m squeamish. I have an overactive imagination and seeing something gross while I’m brushing my teeth makes me gag a little. Heck, I can just think of something gross (like someone else’s hair in my toothbrush – EW) and it makes me gag a little.
In order to avoid feeling Harfy Bunger while brushing my teeth, every so often I just give into my own brain and brush with my eyes closed so nothing can trigger that gag reflex. Of course, I still have to think of pleasant things or this trick doesn’t work either… but at least nothing can accidently gross me out if I have my eyes closed.
Here in the House o’ Aurghness, I close them every time I brush.
Gagtastic Harf-Inducer #1: The Crusty Tube of Evilness and Wrong
Really? Really people? The only way this could be worse is if the cap had been left off and rolled behind the toilet. And the only reason it hasn’t done that is because the poor thing can’t escape. If I was that cap, I’d sure as hell be trying to escape. I can’t help but imagine one of the citizens of Aurghville squeezing some pound shop toothpaste that was packaged in Taiwan and is actually made of ground-up crickets and discontinued mint-flavouring that was snuck in through customs past that crusty sickness and onto their brush before putting it in their mouth. Gross.
First, I would like to point out that NONE of these are mine. I keep mine in my room. I keep it safe. It is hidden away from the other citizens, whom I would definitely NOT trust with something as intimate as my toothbrush. I put that in my mouth, for crying out loud. Other than me, there are three “people” in Aurghville. So WHY THE FUCK are there eight toothbrushes in the bathroom, citizens? WHY WHY WHY?
This hurts me in so many ways:
1. Why are there so many brushes?
2. How could you store them in such a way that the bristles touch each other?
3. How do you know which one is yours?
4. See that yellow one? Would you put anything that colour in your mouth?
5. Why are there so many freaking brushes already?
6. WHY IS THERE AN INCH OF SLIMY WATER IN THE BOTTOM OF THE CUP?
But it gets worse… oh, so much worse. I didn’t think the grossest possible thing in a bathroom so full of grossest possible things could be so gross. And it is so gross. So, so gross. In fact, so gross that I was worried that it wouldn’t show up in the picture above so I took a close-up.
Do you see it? Can you see the FREAKING MOLD on that brush? AURGH! SOMEONE IS PUTTING THAT MOLDY ASS TOOTHBRUSH IN THEIR FREAKING MOUTH. MOLD! ACK!
Anger level: 11/10 (What the fuck are you, citizen? 6 years old?)
I think I’m just going to start brushing my teeth at work. Seriously.