>Desperation is a stinky cologne

>First, let me precede this blog post by saying, no… no I haven’t got so desperate that I’m now shopping for guys on “Mail Order Husbands”. Close, but not quite.

I found the site through other blogs, so I’m behind a bit on this one. I still thought I would share though, just in case y’all aren’t reading the same blogs I am.

Also let me add that as far as I can tell, mailorderhusbands.net is a real site where you can actually buy a husband. I’ve heard tell they range in price from about $400 to $9000 (for a real good ‘un).

In case you’re strapped for cash, they accept all major credit cards and there is even a layaway plan.

They do hook you in with a picture of a happy couple on the homepage, staring lovingly into each other’s attractive faces.

I don’t know how much he costs though…

Note the actual eligible bachelors aren’t quite as, um… “photogenic as the dude on the homepage” is probably the kindest way to word this sentence.

This is Andrew, ladies.

The bachelors themselves are awesome. They’ve written a wee blurb about themselves so if their picture isn’t enough to rev your engine, ladies, perhaps the pure magic of their linguistic prowess will. For your convenience, here were some of the gems I personally enjoyed:

Leonard: After a string of bad luck, I’m looking a get me a good woman who’s got some dough.

Buzet: I am looking for someone who can hold my attention, keep up with me, and who knows how to dress a wound. I am attracted to a girl with a job and a car. preferably a Camarro.

::SIDE NOTE::

Does that say, “who knows how to dress a wound”? HAWT!

::END SIDE NOTE::

Daryl: My parents are kicking me out after December and I’d like to meet a woman with a lot of money so we can have fun. I like women between 18-45, but would consider older if we do not have to touch a lot.

Philip: I live in a crappy basement apartment and I’m hoping to go somewhere warm and sunny. If you have money and you aren’t in Canada please email me.

::SIDE NOTE::

From all the amazing chicks in Canader, Phil: bite me.

::END SIDE NOTE::

Steven: I’m definitely a classic romantic. I like a candlelight dinner, some quiet background music, and a couple hits of ether. I prefer a woman that has insurance and a car would be great as I need to make the occassional trip to Mexico to pick up “souvenirs”.

Bertram: I got booted off Match.com for cyber stalking but I’m better now.

Andrew: As a 23 year old balding man I’m in a hurry to find love.

Marcus: Ever drank paint thinner? Don’t! trust me its a bad idea. I’m a fun lovin’ guy who knows a few magic tricks.

Lenny: I’m 7-foot-5 and looking for love. You likey the love? Tall guys have it going on… you know what I’m saying? oh yeah! I’m also pierced, and I don’t mean in the ear…

Jeb: Hi there ladies, pick me. I’m itchin’ to start a new life in an exciting place. I got bought by some lady in London, but she didn’t like me, so I’m back.

David: Ladies, serving your needs is my game. Actually rugby is my game.

Earl: I deal in reality…and the reality is that I’m ready for love. I can chop lots of wood and can even climb a greased pole. I keep in shape by chasing chickens around my back yard. I keep my self clean and take baths weekly.

Mike: I am very romantic and in very good condition,.. but I won’t be available for about 18 months, but I’m happy to write letters. I’m up for parole next month, so I’m hoping to be available sooner.

Fuad: Ladies, I’m still available. I’ve been here for about 2 years. what gives? Don’t ya wanna party with me? woohoo… They lowered my price twice already. I’m a red-hot special, come and get me.

::SIDE NOTE::

There is so much about this one I could snark about. Instead, let me leave it at this: Faud? Really?

::END SIDE NOTE::

I wish I could tell you that the fun ends on the “Husbands” page, but this website is a delight, friends and neighbours. You must promise to check out the “Success Stories” page, which has naught but one story on it at the moment.

Arlina met her husband, Mark, through the MOH print catalog. Their affection blossomed when Arlina sent for him in his homeland of Latvia. Mark’s understanding of English is rough due to his learning disabilities, but they are both fluent in the language of love.

Why isn’t this on the homepage?

I freaking LOVE them! I hope those crazy kids make it!

And the fun STILL doesn’t stop! They have a compatibility test as well… you should give it a try and find your ideal mail-order husband match (this is a whole bucket of fun!) For those of you who are going to be too lazy to click over to this wonderful, wonderful site, here is a sampling of my favourite test questions (I hope you are feeling the love):

Q. Does spending a lot of time with a new group of people

  • stimulate and energize you
  • make you itchy and sweaty

Q. Are you more impressed by

  • principles–thinking of how things occur objectively
  • emotions–feeling the way things personally impress you
  • neither–you’re confusing me

Q. Do you prefer to work

  • to deadlines
  • work? I haven’t worked in 2 years.

Q. Are you more likely to

  • stay in the “here and now”
  • converse with imaginary friends

Q. Which of these characteristics do you identify with

  • I enjoy being friendly and helping others
  • I have been known to torture small animals

Q. How often to you bathe

  • more than once a week
  • less than once a week

Q. Events are more comfortable for you if

  • you can participate in them with your decisions
  • you can watch from a safe distance behind bushes

Q. Your decisions mostly are based on

  • logic and facts
  • emotions and personal values (i.e. nonsense)

Rarely does a website make me feel simultaneously so giggly and superior. Thank you so much, Mail Order Husbands! Yours is the best website I’ve stumbled upon in a long, long time. Bless you.

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