Monday, October 29 – On the Train, Russia

I have no idea what the time is at this point. It is morning though, and my guess would be well before noon. It is my last day on the no.3 and I’m a little blue. I’ve enjoyed being on the train.
Last night (?), well, when I felt it was dinner time at any rate, I went down to the dining car to get some Russian cash and eat something with protein in it. The menu was limited, to put it kindly. So I ordered "boiled sausage" and "potatoes on fire" and got boiled wieners and fried potatoes. I’m glad that I haven’t been relying on the dining car – that was like, $12. Bullsheet! But Frank (a German guy who lives in Oz) and Craig (British, has been living in Beijing for two years) came shortly after me so after we ate we sat and chatted for a few hours. It was a nice diversion from myself. And I was happy that I wasn’t eating oatmeal for dinner again.
This morning I packed up and had some noodles and hot chocolate for breakfast. Thank goodness for food one can make with only a mug, hot water, and a spoon! Since then, I’ve just been sitting here, looking out the window and thinking about things as this part of my journey comes to a close. I’ve thought about everything I’ve seen so far, and all the amazing people I’ve met. There are many that I already miss a lot and can’t wait to (hopefully) one day see again. Which lead me to think of all the amazing people I’ve known for all my life – some that I’ve let slip and others who let me slip. I’ve been thinking a lot about Jessica this morning, and how much she would have enjoyed this trip. I’ve been thinking so much about the past, I think, because I’m very scared about the future. Money and work is part of it. Starting over again in another foreign country is another. It won’t be exactly like Korea, at least I know some people there (and the language)… but I don’t think I know those people particularly well, and I’m relying on them, and that scares me even more that going it alone. I just don’t want to be in anyone’s way*, or create issues for them. I know it will all work out, I just can’t foresee how a this point. So instead of imagining the future, I’m examining the past, and hoping there are clues there to explain my present. I’ll worry more about tomorrow once I have today figured out. And today I arrive in Moscow.
*In my own head, this idea keeps reoccuring. I really do try to stay out of people’s way. I try to avoid asking for help. I try to leave without saying goodbye. I try to keep to myself (even if it doesn’t always look that way). I try to leave a room as though I have never stayed or even been in it. And I’m beginning to suspect that the reason why I don’t get close to anyone is because you can’t get close to someone when you are trying to stay out of their way.  These two things cannot exist simutaneously. What am I supposed to do about this particular personality flaw? That’s all I need… another flaw. Stupid self-analysis!

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