Friday, September 14, 2007 – Airplane to Malaysia

Here I am again, flying Malaysian Air. Good airline. Better than Cebu – free peanuts and orange juice instead of (gag) mango. It is still hard to believe that I’m saying goodbye to Korea for good. I don’t really know how I feel – I know I’m stressed but can’t put my finger on why. Maybe it is because of things like… I just filled out the immigration card and didn’t know how to fill it out. Residency? Which town? Which country?  Vancouver or Kamloops in Canada?  Suji in South Korea?  Or look forward now to London in England? Will there ever be a place that feels so much like home that no matter where I am I won’t have to think about it and just write?  Side note – I love this airline – they just brought me beer. My first Tiger of the season! Oh dear. Goes well with the peanuts though!
The other part of the immigration card that was perplexing was "occupation".  I’m not a teacher anymore and that is very strange. I have to say I enjoyed it. It was something I felt I was pretty good at and could take real pride in. I also liked that I could see results. Not like all those office jobs. I guess I am unemployed – a delightful and frightening proposition. It scares me not because I think I will be bored, or because… it is just that I feel as though it isn’t something normal people do. Then again, most of what I have done for the last few years has not been quite normal, I would say. It is sometimes discerning for me. I often feel like I’ve wondered into someone else’s life – surely it is not my life that is this interesting, this exciting? I feel like I am not the kind of person that such things should happen to/for. How closely I nearly missed this! I think about being in a serious relationship right out of school and how different my life would be if he and I had seen it through. Or even Mike and I – if that had carried on I would have still been in Vancouver, horribly miserable and poisoning the air for everyone with my pissy attitude so that Mike wouldn’t have been happy either. It was never Mike that was making me unhappy, it was just that staying with him would have kept me in an unhappy situation. Ultimately, I think it was best for both of us that I left – he seems happier these days too when I talk with him.
I’m insanely happy that this plane is nearly empty with no crying babies.
Saying goodbye was easier than I thought. Maybe because I was the one leaving. Maybe because the time was right to go. But certainly not because I won’t miss the people I left behind. So many of them helped me in a variety of ways – mostly giving me… something in the way of what I needed (was lacking?) to grow and change. And I’ve certainly done a lot of that. Although… I do think fundamentally I have stayed the same. Mostly, I think I’ve simply become less afraid of who I am and showing that to other people. Now, I just need to figure out what it is I want to become. Probably something I haven’t even dreamt of yet….

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