No Fixed Root, Albino Nips, and Squirrel Stories

 
Ashleigh is now here in Langkawi and it is awesome to see her! I haven’t been missing Korea per se, but I have been missing the people there! (Even you, Linds. Even you.)
 
The night before she got here I went to the Raggae Bar (again, we go there almost every night, it is good fun) and it was a bit of a nutbar. There was this one Malay guy who’s nipples we couldn’t figure out. I think he had white stickers (bandaids?) over them but we couldn’t figure out why for the life of us. No one wanted to ask.  There was also this extremely drunk bald guy there that night that was the most amazingly unabashed horrific dancer I have ever seen. I loved him! He would do things like (unironically!) lift up his shirt while "sexy" dancing, lick his index finger, and then trail his finger down his chest and gut. SWEETNESS. I didn’t stay all that late that night, but Dawn tells me that later he and his partner fell on the floor and just kind of stayed there for awhile. I’m extremely sorry that I miss that, let me tell you!  That same night there was a thunder and lightning storm. The power went out two or three times. At about 2:30am, a few of us went down to the beach and watched the lightning. It was beautiful.
 
The next day Dawn and I rented a car – the same kind of car Harriotte had rented and we nicknamed "The Squirrel".  It was small, grey, and lacked real fierceness but it was fun. We didn’t do much with it the first day, but this was the exciting part – I got to drive on the wrong side of the road in a car with cranky manual transmission and armstrong steering! FUN! I kept turning on the windshield wipers when I meant to signal (they are ALSO on the wrong side) and a few times when I went to shift, I would attempt to do so with my right hand (the way the good Lord intended) and nearly opened my damned door. Overall though, it wasn’t too bad, even though Dawn kept laughing at me because I would chant "left, left, stay on the left" every time I pulled out from anywhere. We also managed to get lost in a town that only has four streets (apparently our map reading skillz aren’t as "mad" as they should be) and on an island that is only about 40 km around. Ace! We did find everything we wanted though (and more – like the abandoned haunted waterpark!) and finally went to the airport to get Ashleigh.
 
The day after that (I believe I’m refering to Monday now, for you poor folks who have to pay attention to such mundane details such as ‘days of the week’), Dawn, Ashleigh, Thibault and I took The Squirrel up to the cable car and then on to 7 Wells. The cable car was fun only because Ashleigh is a wee bit afraid of heights. I’m not a good person to be around if you have a phobia – I think it is funny because, well, frankly – I’m an asshole. She would say things like, "Do you think there have been many freak accidents on this thing where people have died?"  How am I SUPPOSED to answer that?  Reasssure her?  Or invent some statistics about how many times the cable has snapped in the last ten years?  In the end, I reassured her. I reminded her that I haven’t driven a car in about, oh, four years and I haven’t ever driven on the left side of the road so she was 100 times more likely to die in The Squirrel than on some silly cable car. She didn’t look very reassured though.
 
We lived through the cable car ride and went on to 7 Wells Waterfalls. It was so nice! The water was cool and refreshing after the long hike up there. There weren’t many people there – a recently married couple (we knew they were recently married not because they told us, but because her black bikini bottom had "Just Married" bedazzled across her ass) and a Japanese couple enjoying a picnic. And then the best thing ever happened.
 
::JAPANESE COUPLE VS. THE MONKEYS::
 
You have to watch your ass (or, at least, your bags) in Malaysia where there are monkeys about because they are hairy little thieves. You also should not carry food. Water is also a bad idea.
 
We girls were swimming in the pools (leaving our poor injured French boy on "Monkey Terror Alert Orange" watch) when a few monkeys showed up and showed interest in what the Japanese tourists had left on the rocks. The woman splashed water on them, and then both of them got out of the water, brandishing sticks and throwing rocks at the monkeys (who did not back off quickly). We soon realized what the monkeys were after – the tourists had a bag of KFC.
Why do only monkeys and Asians enjoy the Dirty Bird (KFC)?  Some anthropologist should get on that.
 
The best moment was when the guy, man tits out and asscrack showing, was standing on the rock by the pool, monkey-bashing stick in one hand and a chicken leg in the other.
 
Another golden moment happened later – you see, half of their stuff was on the other side of this pool – and now there were about 12 monkeys (Ashleigh took pictures of the monkeys "doing it". She’s a perv.) on that side waiting for them to head over. I liked that the guy let his wife/girlfriend/sister/whatevs take on the monkeys alone and go over the monkey side of the water first. What a catch that guy is!
 
In the end, sadly, the Japanese won by throwing rocks (and, at one point, a log) at the monkey hordes to retrieve their stuff. Overall, it was more entertaining than watching a movie.
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One response to “No Fixed Root, Albino Nips, and Squirrel Stories

  1. I love that you are having so many monkey adventures. 

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