Monthly Archives: September 2007

No Fixed Root, Albino Nips, and Squirrel Stories

 
Ashleigh is now here in Langkawi and it is awesome to see her! I haven’t been missing Korea per se, but I have been missing the people there! (Even you, Linds. Even you.)
 
The night before she got here I went to the Raggae Bar (again, we go there almost every night, it is good fun) and it was a bit of a nutbar. There was this one Malay guy who’s nipples we couldn’t figure out. I think he had white stickers (bandaids?) over them but we couldn’t figure out why for the life of us. No one wanted to ask.  There was also this extremely drunk bald guy there that night that was the most amazingly unabashed horrific dancer I have ever seen. I loved him! He would do things like (unironically!) lift up his shirt while "sexy" dancing, lick his index finger, and then trail his finger down his chest and gut. SWEETNESS. I didn’t stay all that late that night, but Dawn tells me that later he and his partner fell on the floor and just kind of stayed there for awhile. I’m extremely sorry that I miss that, let me tell you!  That same night there was a thunder and lightning storm. The power went out two or three times. At about 2:30am, a few of us went down to the beach and watched the lightning. It was beautiful.
 
The next day Dawn and I rented a car – the same kind of car Harriotte had rented and we nicknamed "The Squirrel".  It was small, grey, and lacked real fierceness but it was fun. We didn’t do much with it the first day, but this was the exciting part – I got to drive on the wrong side of the road in a car with cranky manual transmission and armstrong steering! FUN! I kept turning on the windshield wipers when I meant to signal (they are ALSO on the wrong side) and a few times when I went to shift, I would attempt to do so with my right hand (the way the good Lord intended) and nearly opened my damned door. Overall though, it wasn’t too bad, even though Dawn kept laughing at me because I would chant "left, left, stay on the left" every time I pulled out from anywhere. We also managed to get lost in a town that only has four streets (apparently our map reading skillz aren’t as "mad" as they should be) and on an island that is only about 40 km around. Ace! We did find everything we wanted though (and more – like the abandoned haunted waterpark!) and finally went to the airport to get Ashleigh.
 
The day after that (I believe I’m refering to Monday now, for you poor folks who have to pay attention to such mundane details such as ‘days of the week’), Dawn, Ashleigh, Thibault and I took The Squirrel up to the cable car and then on to 7 Wells. The cable car was fun only because Ashleigh is a wee bit afraid of heights. I’m not a good person to be around if you have a phobia – I think it is funny because, well, frankly – I’m an asshole. She would say things like, "Do you think there have been many freak accidents on this thing where people have died?"  How am I SUPPOSED to answer that?  Reasssure her?  Or invent some statistics about how many times the cable has snapped in the last ten years?  In the end, I reassured her. I reminded her that I haven’t driven a car in about, oh, four years and I haven’t ever driven on the left side of the road so she was 100 times more likely to die in The Squirrel than on some silly cable car. She didn’t look very reassured though.
 
We lived through the cable car ride and went on to 7 Wells Waterfalls. It was so nice! The water was cool and refreshing after the long hike up there. There weren’t many people there – a recently married couple (we knew they were recently married not because they told us, but because her black bikini bottom had "Just Married" bedazzled across her ass) and a Japanese couple enjoying a picnic. And then the best thing ever happened.
 
::JAPANESE COUPLE VS. THE MONKEYS::
 
You have to watch your ass (or, at least, your bags) in Malaysia where there are monkeys about because they are hairy little thieves. You also should not carry food. Water is also a bad idea.
 
We girls were swimming in the pools (leaving our poor injured French boy on "Monkey Terror Alert Orange" watch) when a few monkeys showed up and showed interest in what the Japanese tourists had left on the rocks. The woman splashed water on them, and then both of them got out of the water, brandishing sticks and throwing rocks at the monkeys (who did not back off quickly). We soon realized what the monkeys were after – the tourists had a bag of KFC.
Why do only monkeys and Asians enjoy the Dirty Bird (KFC)?  Some anthropologist should get on that.
 
The best moment was when the guy, man tits out and asscrack showing, was standing on the rock by the pool, monkey-bashing stick in one hand and a chicken leg in the other.
 
Another golden moment happened later – you see, half of their stuff was on the other side of this pool – and now there were about 12 monkeys (Ashleigh took pictures of the monkeys "doing it". She’s a perv.) on that side waiting for them to head over. I liked that the guy let his wife/girlfriend/sister/whatevs take on the monkeys alone and go over the monkey side of the water first. What a catch that guy is!
 
In the end, sadly, the Japanese won by throwing rocks (and, at one point, a log) at the monkey hordes to retrieve their stuff. Overall, it was more entertaining than watching a movie.

Guess I'll Never Learn

 
Today it was absolutely gorgeous on the island. It was so sunny, but not too muggy. I decided to actually go and enjoy the beach in the sunshine.
 
Now, here is the deal. I KNOW that I burn pretty easily, because I burn every freaking time I go into the sun. And I do promise that I was trying to be careful, but obviously I wasn’t careful enough because I’m pretty freaking burned. Again.
 
It is impossible for me to be upset about this – instead I am incredibly happy that my life has brought me to a point where I can get sunburned in freaking late September from spending too much time in the ocean and lying about on the beach. Glorious. 

Think I'll Get A Car, Instead

 
The last time I was in Malaysia I rented a motorbike two days and bombed around the island that way. I loved it! It was so freeing and felt cool. I think this time I will rent a car.
 
I have been reluctant to get a car because they drive on the wrong side of the road here (although I suppose I should get used to it because it is also how they drive in Britain). I figured I could damage a lot of other people if I drove on the wrong side of the road with a car.
 
I didn’t really realize how much I could damage myself with a bike.
 
I’ve met a few people here that are very cool. One of them is a young guy from from France named Thibault (pronounced, he assures us, as "T-bow", which I support), who I’ve hung out with the last couple of days.
 
Tonight he hit a monkey with his motorcycle.
 
Normally, that is a sentence that would make me laugh, but not when it happens to an honestly nice guy. He wasn’t too hurt – thank goodness – but he is hurt and bleeding enough. Both arms are scraped badly from arm to elbows, and there is a… hole near his wrist that I honestly don’t want to think about. I’m happy that I didn’t see his foot, which is supposedly worse.
 
And the biggest thing is (other than the fact that I’m now scared to rent a bike again for now) that I feel like an utter shit. You see, Thibault is also traveling alone, and now he is in a Malaysian hospital, alone and injured and mostly in shock. I feel bad because I’ve known him longer than the others here, and have become friends with him. And I couldn’t go with him to the hospital.
 
I couldn’t go with my own mother (sorry moms) to the hospital (although with my moms I would force myself). I’m not squeemish, I just have an over-active imagination. I feel other people’s pain and I don’t like it. So now I feel bad that he had to go to the hospital alone. I just hope that if I get hurt while on my epic journey here, someone else will be around that isn’t the world’s biggest pussy and that they will go with me.
 
::UPDATE::
 
Good news, he’s fine. Apparently he’s lost so much skin that they couldn’t even stitch up the wounds on his forearms that are open to the freaking bone, but he says he’s fine.
 
I’m still going to stick to renting a car.

anna sand angel

 
sara were you sleeping
were you sleeping
did you sleep sara
you were sleeping
 
did you dream sara
were you dreaming
sara what were your dreams
tell me your dreams
 
i will tell you a story
once upon a time there was a boy
he was lost
he was waiting for someone to find him
 
you can take off your glasses now
sara
the sun is not shining
anymore

Malaysia

 
I can’t believe how long I’ve been in Malaysia already! The time is going so fast.  I guess this means that I’m not bored yet.
 
The flights here were fine, and on time, so I was happy. There has been a lot of rain, but the last couple of days have been beautiful. I’m not spending a tonne of time on the beach – I don’t want to be sunburned before Ashleigh gets here on Saturday!
 
I’ve met a lot of cool people from all over the world and I’m enjoying just relaxing. It has been hard to just stop and hold still (something that I have never been very good at) so this has been very good for me so far. I hope that by the time I get to the end of my time here, I will have caught up on my sleep and found some serentity before I go to London.
 
I’m doing a lot of thinking here, and I will try to do some blogging, but the truth is that this computer pisses me off so much I can’t even articulate my rage. If this is full of mistakes, part of it is this bloody PC/keyboard. Aurghpants!
 
I’ll tell you one funny thing that happened yesterday though. I was out and about with a girl I met from England (Harriette). We had gone up to Seven Wells to go swimming. It is a long walk, but the water is nice and cool. It was a fun day because Harriette had rented a car and we drove all over. Anyway, near our car another car was being molested by monkeys. We thought that was pretty funny. So instead of just hopping into our car (which we named "The Squirrel"), we got out our cameras.
That’s when the monkeys attacked.
 
We surrived, the monkeys survived, but I will never feel the same about monkeys again!

Hand-uh Pone

 
So, living in Korea has meant that my cell phone (or "hand phone" as they call it here), has become highly important to me. I carry it everywhere. It is my alarm in the morning. And it has been a source of more than a few laughs.
 
A few months back work bought all of us new cell phones. I have been saving my messages (incoming and outgoing) to post before I leave. Some of them got erased when I was too slow on the draw to clean out the lame ones. Here is what is left. These date back to around June, and they are ridiculous. I’m not going to say who they are from, or to, or explain them in any way. I know what they mean. And I also realize they may not be funny to anyone except me.
 
::SEARCH::
 
Here is a list of the names currently on my phone of all my friends:  Aaron, Assclown, Asshopper, Beaver Flaps, Britstick, Brookler, Chadlinger, Colin, Cotsucker, Douche, Ellie, Emily 530, Eric, Fucktard, Gentleman’s Bathroom, INFO, Katie, Lily 530, Melanie, Mike, Mira, Mr. James, Sally 530, Smaddy, Stan, Starr, Tai, Va JJ
 
::OUTBOX::
 
Here are some of the messages I have sent, starting at the oldest.
 
turd burgler
balls
did u eat toast for dinner?
ew! that one was dirty. and creepy.
5:30 class sally? where were you today?
please bring my umbrella with you *heart*
no worries! just happy u r safe. *heart*
below………………………me
pls tell me that the school burned down while i was in boracay
did i already say 730 ok? schoool is making me stupid.
slow ass
that was weak… just like your mom.
sinusitus?
you doing anything fun tonite or are u playing scrabble with yourself?
not right now. i just ate pizza and i’m not dressed!
i’m having beers with balls
spider pig
true story
field trips suck my will to live
cock
go birthday yourself
fruit loops sighted @ lotte
i hate you
are you getting sick out of your bum?
i did! it was a great last nite out. *heart*
pirates don’t share
my umbrella!
 
::INBOX::
 
And here are some of the gems I’ve received… deserved or not.
 
i.hate.u
quatsch! u loved it.
U MUST BE A BLACK EYED SON OF A SHIT FESTERED WHORE
THAT CREEP WALT CUMMINGS LOOKS TOO MUCH LIKE BRADLEY!
cock.
u r delayed.
scrotum
THANKS FOR LAST NIGHT LOVER
nail nippers?
STEP TWO
STALL TACTIC LIES
what is this salty discharge comin out my eyes when i think bout B?
do u want to go island on day off? we got bus and lots of room.
i like them! im conflicted about the score
u alive and well?
and then there were two!
GET BENT
*heart**heart**heart**heart*

*heart**heart**heart**heart*

*heart**heart**heart**heart*

*heart**heart**heart**heart*

*heart**heart**heart**heart*
WE LOVE TO SEE YOU SMILE
CANADA THERES A LITTLE MCDONALDS IN EVERYONE
wanna drink @ the tree house?
THE GO! TEAM
GOING TO SEE PIRATES ENJOY STRONG BREW
want huricane now?
thanks dude. how was the torture?
my friend blow me
why did u eat that? WHY??????
u taste like chicken. so does ur mom!
that bolo bolo stuff is sick
my new word for awesome… PRIME!
WE ARE ON THE DECK DUDE
where the hell did u disappear to last nite?
techer! Emily
her apt is amazing!
I LOVE YOU from sally in 5:30
My mom said yes about pizza!
THANKS FOR HAVING US OVER ON SAT MAN! WILD NIGHT!
fuckin jodeezie!
so my question is… y is life… and love… such a shitter
wat r u up 2 now? why r men fucken retarded? im afraid no guitar but u can still teach me
my name is ashleigh and im an alcoholic
hey king kong! i met one of ur 530 students. what u doin tonite?
we.re at spicy chix. come.
ya right. u liked barts wang.
aunt smaddy s house… where u at?
im at batman
boji
hurricane spotted in itaewon!
i was poopin by the long legged pig.
hey hoser u at rmt?
i love u
IM EXPELLING INNER DEMONS YES
wait a minute… what happened at the end of the nite-did i say goodbye?
HEEHEE! ILL NEVER FORGET!! ASSHOPPER!!!

A Few Final Stories

 
Because I’ve been such a weiner at blogging, I’m a bit behind on some of the kid stories. I hope I have something to blog about once those little turds aren’t around any more!
 
::ERIC::
 
The day I had to go to the British Embassy, I was gone from LCI all morning. At the end of lunch, I picked up my class from the Big Gym. All the girls were very excited to see me. Eric just asked, "Where were you, Turbo?"
 
The next day he managed to give me a fat lip with his big head. Thanks, kiddo.
 
::MK::
 
We are reading Charlotte’s Web… wait… not "we", I guess. The class is reading Charlotte’s Web. I asked them was "specimen" meant. MK guessed, "The spicy part of a pig?" 

Goodbye, Teacher

 
I’m considering changing my last name to "Teacher" so I can still be "Jodi Teacher".  It feels strange to be title-less after two years. I’m not even really used to the idea yet… I’m sure it will hit me at some point in Malaysia.
 
Here are the goodbye notes from the kids.
 
Thank you for teaching us. Don’t forget me.
 
– Emily, 9
 
Goodbye Jode I can miss you.
 
– Bruce, 6
 
I know you are lives Korea. I love you. I like you so much. I went to see you. By by.
 
– Same note came from Stephanie, Lauren, and Victoria, 6
 
Goody by. Good buy. Good by Jodi. I am sad because you are last day. Have fun! Please gave me mail for me.
 
– Emily, 6
 
To Jodi T,  Teacher I’m Sarah. You have to go back to Canada. So I’m very sad. I’ll miss you. Can you miss we’re class? Thank you for teach were class.
 
– Sarah, 8
 
Dear Jodi…. Hi! I’m Jinny. I’m so sad that you didn’t come to LCI. If you can come to LCI come to our class! Good bye.
 
– Jinny C., 8
 
Dear Jodi T.,
 
Hello Jodi T.  I’m Chris. I am writing this letter because you are going back to Canada. I’m very sad that you go to Canada. Also, I want to repay your thankness for teaching me. I think I will miss you very much. Will you visit Korea next time? I hope you so. I can’t believe the time went you to go. You will always in my mind. I really want you to come back to Korea. But if you don’t, you don’t have to. Bye. From Chris.
 
What’s your email address? Mine is ____. Sent e-mail. I will sent to.

This is magnatic neclece you can use it as a braclet too. Just keep go round and round. And the other one is tea pack. I think I gave you that before. Drink it.
 
– Chris, 10
 
Hi! Jodi Teacher. I was happy that you was my teacher. First, I thought you were scary but you were good and fun teacher. I’m sad that you are going but I’ll give you some message for email. I love you. Also I’m thank you that you were my teacher. I think you are a best teacher of all the world. Be healthy in Canada. I think we could see again when we are lucky.

 I’m thank you. Remember KOREA. A sharon of Rose is the Korea’s flower tree. Don’t forget me! I’ll not forget you.

 
From Barbie (who put a picture of herself as the stamp)
 
– Barbie, 9
 
I would send some hugs and kisses your way for everything. I found guidance, friendship, discipline and love, everything in one person. And that person is you "Jodi".  We will always be thankful to you for all the hard work adn efforts you have put in for educating my son.
 
– Eric’s mom (kindergarten)
 
Hi Jodi T,
 
I’m very sad that you are leaving. When you come to Korea, please phone me. Also, I will email you when you go to Canada. I think new teacher will be good, but not better than you. I love you!
 
– Lily, 9
 
To Jodi T.
 
Hey I’m good to study because of you. You’re good teacher. On Canada you tell you’re a good teacher and tell this letter to parents and your brother. I’m so proud of you. I’m sorry because I can’t give you a present.
 
– Sam, 7
 
Joodi teacher! Thank you for teaching we. Have a good tirp.  I will miss you. You are have a good day. Today we are having a celeblate.  I love you. form Chris.
 
– Chris, 6
 
To Jodi Teacher
 
Thank you for your teaching with love to my kid. I am very sorry about your leaving to early. But I hope your success. I’ve wanted to have dinner together. But I couldn’t. If you come Korea again? Please call me. Take care and good luck to you. 
 
From Chris’s mom & dad
 
To: Jodi T.
 
Hello! Jodi Teacher!  I will miss you in Korea! I won’t forget you while you’re in your home. My mother made a chocolate cake for you because it’s a last day that you’re in LCI. I love you, Jodi! Have nice days at your home! Good bye!  From Alice
 
– Alice, 7
 
Thank you Jodi-T. I miss you. Form Eileen.
 
– Eileen, 6
 
Thank you very much for teaching Eileen. She has improved a lot. You are the greatest teacher in the world. ^^ Thanks. I hope you had great time in Korea.
 
– Eileen’s Mom
 
Jodi Teacher,

Thank you for educating me. Do you know my IET score? I got a good prize on the IET. IT is all thanks to you. I will miss you when you leave. I have a phone, you know. The number is ____. I will like to have calls with you. To have a reminder, I will give you some Korean money. Don’t change it into dollars. Good-bye.
 
Your friend,
Eddie

 
(on the envelope it says "PS: Promise to open it when the class is over. Thank you.)
 

Sam the Man

 
I could listen to this kid read all day.  I’m a bad teacher – I didn’t correct him as much as I should have. That’s because he made me laugh and I didn’t want him to change.
 
 
    

Friday's Feast

 
ON A FRIDAY. GLORIOUS.
 
Appetizer
Using only one word, how does grocery shopping make you feel? 

Balls.

Soup
What is your favorite part about the season of Autumn?

The air temperature. I like being able to wear a sweater and scarf outside (but not need a jacket).  Mmmm… crisp.

Salad
Have you ever had any bad experiences online?

Not really.  If I’m having a bad experience I move along.

Main Course
Name three things that make you happy daily.

Coffee. Emails. Being alive.

Dessert
What one household cleansing or organizing item would you not want to be without? 

I’m obsessed with organizational items. I’m really quite clean. And yet I can’t think of a single one I would "not want to be without".  That seems really strange to me. Are there people out there that really can’t function without a bottle of Windex?  Or an Inbox?  Who are these people? Why have they not been rounded up and shot?