Sunday, Funny Sunday

 

Yesterday was a great day… went into Itaewon and after brunch and some beers Brendan, Brittany, Steffanie, Jon and I went and saw a play at the Wolfhound. It was really well done and I enjoyed it. Then Brendan and Brittany and I stayed at the Wolfhound far too late, drinking beers and watching the snow fall. It took us a long time to get home (stupid cabs!). Brendan crashed at my place and after waking up late, we ate breakfast while watching the Breakfast Club.  Following that, we watched a bunch of the SNL Celebrity Jeopardy skits together on youtube. I nearly peed my jammy pants, I had forgotten how funny some of them were. And then after dinner, Brit and Stef came over to my house and I managed to download the majority of them (13 of them). The girls and I watched them all, one after the other. It was painfully good times.  Here are some of my favorite moments…

 

Alex Trebek: Sure you will. And finally, back again, Burt Reynolds in a commanding lead with $14.

Burt Reynolds: Hey. Hey, ah.. check out the podium. Look at this.

Alex Trebek: Mr. Reynolds has apparently changed his name to Turd Ferguson.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, that’s right. Turd Ferguson. It’s a funny name.

Alex Trebek: Great. Let’s take a look at the final board. And the categories are: "Potent Potables"; "Sharp Things"; "Movies That Start with the Word Jaws"; "A Petit Déjeuner" – that category is about French phrases, so let’s just skip it.

Burt Reynolds: Hey, uh, I speak a little French. You’re an assbite, pardon my French.

 

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Alex Trebek: [ interrupting ] Right, Mr. Connery. why don’t you pick?

Sean Connery: It looks like this is my lucky day! I’ll take "The Rapists" for $200.

Alex Trebek: That’s "Therapists." That’s "Therapists," not "The Rapists." Let’s skip "Therapists" and try "Household Objects", for $400. And the answer is, "You usually drink water out of one of these." [ Sean Connery buzzes in ] Sean Connery.

Sean Connery: A leather glove!

Alex Trebek: No. [ Minnie Driver buzzes in ] Minnie Driver.

Minnie Driver: A toilet!

Alex Trebek: That is awful. [ Jeff Goldblum buzzes in ] Jeff Goldblum.

Jeff Goldblum: [ marvels at the buzzer until time runs out ]

Alex Trebek: And you’re an idiot! The answer was "a glass."

Sean Connery: Then the day is mine!

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Alex Trebek: Enough. Let’s just get this over with. Here are the categories, they are: "Potent Potables," "Countries Between Mexico and Canada," "Members of Simon and Garfunkel," "I Have a Chardonnay" – you choose this category, you automatically get the points and I get to have a glass of wine. "Things You Do With a Pencil Sharpener," "Tie Your Shoe," and finally, "Toast". Mr. Connery, you select first.

 

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Alex Trebek: Wow. The answer, of course, was bread. Let’s go to "Members of Simon and Garfunkel" for $200. "Of Simon and Garfunkel, the one that is not Garfunkel." [Bjork buzzes in] Bjork?

Bjork: Sometimes when I’m putting oranges in the sauerkraut, I think of my thoughts and they make me laugh. [buzz] No?

Alex Trebek: Are you Icelandic or retarded? [Sean Connery buzzes in] Sean Connery?

Sean Connery: Can you repeat the question?

Alex Trebek: "Of Simon and Garfunkel, the one that is not Garfunkel".

Sean Connery: I Garfunkeled your mother. [starts laughing]

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Sean Connery: I’ll take "I Have a Hard-on" for $600.

[close-up to board, the category "I Have a Chardonnay" is edited to read "I Have a Hardon".]

Alex Trebek: I don’t believe this. Where did you get that magic marker? We frisked you in on the way in here.

Sean Connery: I didn’t have it in my pocket.

Alex Trebek: That’s disgusting. Please.

Sean Connery: I bet if you frisked me, you would have found it.

Alex Trebek: All right, that’s enough.

Sean Connery: Because I was keeping it in my butt.

Alex Trebek: Okay. We get it. Loud and clear: we get it. It’s time for Final Jeopardy…

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NOTE: You may need to read this one outloud to get the joke!

 

Alex Trebek: [the category is "Words that begin with the letter C"] The word cat would be found under this letter in the dictionary. Sean Connery?
Sean Connery: What is the "R’s"?
Alex Trebek: No, it’s not in the "R’s".
Sean Connery: Not in the "R’s", eh? Well, that’s not what your mother said last night, Trebek.

 

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Sean Connery: I pose a conundrum to you, a riddle if you will.
Alex Trebek: [as Alex Trebeck] I don’t want to hear it.
Sean Connery: What’s the difference between you and a mallard with a cold. One’s a sick duck… I can’t remember how it ends, but your mother’s a whore.

 

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Alex Trebek: And in last place with negative 120,000 (sighs and pauses) Sean Connery.

Sean Connery: Well, well, well Trebek. Fancy seeing you here. It’s been a while.

Alex Trebek: Not long enough.

Sean Connery: That’s not what your mother said last night.

Alex Trebek: Okay Here are the categories for double jeopardy. (Board appears)

They are: POTENT POTABLES, COLORS THAT ARE RED, JAPAN US RELATIONS; I have no idea what that category is doing up there,

Sean Connery: I had relations this morning Trebek Hope we didn’t wake you. Your mother’s a screamer.

Alex Trebek: For your information my mother’s in a nursing home in Alberta, Canada.

Sean Connery: Oh she was nursing it alright.

 

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Alex Trebek: Fascinating Mr. Cosby. How many fingers am I holding up? (Connery buzzes in) Sean Connery

Sean Connery: I’ve got a finger for you Trebek (Connery reaches towards pants)

Alex Trebek: (turns away) please don’t cut to him.

Sean Connery: What do you think of that, Trebek HAHAHAHA

Alex Trebek: Okay that’s not a finger and you know it.

Sean Connery: (continuous laughter) Ohhh, don’t be so shocked Trebek Like you’ve never seen one before…

 

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