Burt Reynolds: Hey. Hey, ah.. check out the podium. Look at this.
Alex Trebek: Mr. Reynolds has apparently changed his name to Turd Ferguson.
Burt Reynolds: Yeah, that’s right. Turd Ferguson. It’s a funny name.
Alex Trebek: Great. Let’s take a look at the final board. And the categories are: "Potent Potables"; "Sharp Things"; "Movies That Start with the Word Jaws"; "A Petit Déjeuner" – that category is about French phrases, so let’s just skip it.
Burt Reynolds: Hey, uh, I speak a little French. You’re an assbite, pardon my French.
Sean Connery: It looks like this is my lucky day! I’ll take "The Rapists" for $200.
Alex Trebek: That’s "Therapists." That’s "Therapists," not "The Rapists." Let’s skip "Therapists" and try "Household Objects", for $400. And the answer is, "You usually drink water out of one of these." [ Sean Connery buzzes in ] Sean Connery.
Sean Connery: A leather glove!
Alex Trebek: No. [ Minnie Driver buzzes in ] Minnie Driver.
Minnie Driver: A toilet!
Alex Trebek: That is awful. [ Jeff Goldblum buzzes in ] Jeff Goldblum.
Jeff Goldblum: [ marvels at the buzzer until time runs out ]
Alex Trebek: And you’re an idiot! The answer was "a glass."
Sean Connery: Then the day is mine!
Bjork: Sometimes when I’m putting oranges in the sauerkraut, I think of my thoughts and they make me laugh. [buzz] No?
Alex Trebek: Are you Icelandic or retarded? [Sean Connery buzzes in] Sean Connery?
Sean Connery: Can you repeat the question?
Alex Trebek: "Of Simon and Garfunkel, the one that is not Garfunkel".
Sean Connery: I Garfunkeled your mother. [starts laughing]
[close-up to board, the category "I Have a Chardonnay" is edited to read "I Have a Hardon".]
Alex Trebek: I don’t believe this. Where did you get that magic marker? We frisked you in on the way in here.
Sean Connery: I didn’t have it in my pocket.
Alex Trebek: That’s disgusting. Please.
Sean Connery: I bet if you frisked me, you would have found it.
Alex Trebek: All right, that’s enough.
Sean Connery: Because I was keeping it in my butt.
Alex Trebek: Okay. We get it. Loud and clear: we get it. It’s time for Final Jeopardy…
Sean Connery: What is the "R’s"?
Alex Trebek: No, it’s not in the "R’s".
Sean Connery: Not in the "R’s", eh? Well, that’s not what your mother said last night, Trebek.
Alex Trebek: [as Alex Trebeck] I don’t want to hear it.
Sean Connery: What’s the difference between you and a mallard with a cold. One’s a sick duck… I can’t remember how it ends, but your mother’s a whore.
Sean Connery: Well, well, well Trebek. Fancy seeing you here. It’s been a while.
Alex Trebek: Not long enough.
Sean Connery: That’s not what your mother said last night.
Alex Trebek: Okay Here are the categories for double jeopardy. (Board appears)
They are: POTENT POTABLES, COLORS THAT ARE RED, JAPAN US RELATIONS; I have no idea what that category is doing up there,
Sean Connery: I had relations this morning Trebek Hope we didn’t wake you. Your mother’s a screamer.
Alex Trebek: For your information my mother’s in a nursing home in Alberta, Canada.
Sean Connery: Oh she was nursing it alright.
Sean Connery: I’ve got a finger for you Trebek (Connery reaches towards pants)
Alex Trebek: (turns away) please don’t cut to him.
Sean Connery: What do you think of that, Trebek HAHAHAHA
Alex Trebek: Okay that’s not a finger and you know it.
Sean Connery: (continuous laughter) Ohhh, don’t be so shocked Trebek Like you’ve never seen one before…